Thoughts on the isolation of giftedness - for children and adults

Dabrowski's Theory and Existential Depression in Gifted Children and Adults - J. Webb

Although they want to relate to others, gifted individuals often encounter what Arthur Jensen (2004) has described as an intellectual “zone of tolerance”—that is, in order to have a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with another person, that person should be within about plus or minus 20 IQ points of one’s ability level. Outside of that zone, there will be differences in thinking speed and depth or span of interests, which will likely lead to impatience, dissatisfaction, frustration, and tension on the part of each participant.

Gifted children and adults are often surprised to realize that they are different. It is painful when others criticize them for being too idealistic, too serious, too sensitive, too intense, too impatient, or as having too weird a sense of humor. Gifted children, particularly as they enter adolescence, may feel very alone in an absurd, arbitrary, and meaningless world, which they feel powerless to change. They may feel that adults in charge are not worthy of the authority they hold.

As early as first grade, some gifted children, particularly the more highly gifted ones, struggle with these types of existential issues and begin to feel estranged from their peers. When they try to share their existential thoughts and concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. The very fact of children raising such questions is a challenge to tradition and prompts others to withdraw from or reject them. The children soon discover that most other people do not share their concerns but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations. The result for these gifted youngsters is conflict, either within themselves or with those around them. But as George Bernard Shaw once said, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”


From an article by M. Gross Social Adjustment in extremely gifted children

Hollingworth (1926) defined the IQ range 125-155 as "socially optimal intelligence" and claimed that above the level of IQ 160 the difference between the exceptionally gifted child and his or her age-mates is so great that it leads to special problems of development which are correlated with social isolation. Hollingworth emphasized however that this isolation did not arise from emotional disturbance, but was caused by the absence of a suitable peer group with whom to relate. When extremely gifted students who had been rejected by age-peers were removed from the inappropriate grade-placement and were permitted to work and play with intellectual peers, the loneliness and social isolation disappeared and the child became accepted as a valued classmate and friend (Hollingworth, 1942).

...choose to underachieve deliberately in an attempt to gain social acceptance by their classmates. In general these attempts meet with limited success, as the moral development, reading interests, leisure pursuits and play preferences of the subject children are too different to permit effective camouflage and the majority of these children are socially rejected, isolated and deeply unhappy.

Social acceptability was also found to be related to the students' level of moral development. In almost all cases, the subjects' scores on the Defining Issues Test were several years beyond the mean for their ages. Those students whose moral reasoning was unusually accelerated, and who were retained in the regular classroom, had the most severe difficulties with social acceptance. Children of similar ages, with similar DIT scores, who had been radically accelerated, were much more likely to be accepted and valued by their classmates.

From the Wikipedia page on Intellectual Giftedness

Isolation is one of the main challenges faced by gifted individuals, especially those with no social network of gifted peers. In order to gain popularity, gifted children will often try to hide their abilities to win social approval. Strategies include underachievement (discussed below) and the use of less sophisticated vocabulary when among same-age peers than when among family members or other trusted individuals.[13]
The isolation experienced by gifted individuals may not be caused by giftedness itself, but by society's response to giftedness. Plucker and Levy have noted that, "in this culture, there appears to be a great pressure for people to be 'normal' with a considerable stigma associated with giftedness or talent."[14] To counteract this problem, gifted education professionals recommend creating a peer group based on common interests and abilities. The earlier this occurs, the more effective it is likely to be in preventing isolation.[15]

For Females in Particular


Intellectually Gifted Women

Some gifted individuals are almost painfully perceptive and sensitive. At its best, this quality this may lead to startling insights and increased empathy. It can also leave a woman overly sensitive to criticism. A gifted woman may be bored by or impatient with things that interest her friends; she may feel she doesn’t fit in. She may wonder if the answer lies in therapy or medication. To make her content without expressing her brilliance; to make her ‘like everybody else’.

An interview with Karen Noble , author of The Sound of a Silver Horn. (it has some good news)

"Change has to come in terms of both social evolution and individual. Most of the women I work with who are gifted deny that they are, or are totally embarrassed to admit it. It seems I am always teaching women about the characteristics of giftedness, and asking them to look at themselves: 'Even if you don't want to admit this out loud because you think it's immodest or because you're embarrassed, at least in your own heart of hearts admit what you're dealing with.'

"That's absolutely crucial to do, because I think in order to take one's own life seriously, which includes making decisions about how that life is going to unfold, whether it's going to include partners or children, or what kind of work, you have to see life as a deliberate quest."

The starting point, Dr. Noble declares, "is always self-awareness, which is not narcissism. And for gifted women, that absolutely includes the recognition of giftedness, because most women who are gifted, as you well know, think they're freaks, and feel horribly different -- isolated, alienated, ostracized, 'What's wrong with me?'

Isolation seems to be a common issue for gifted women, Dr. Noble feels. "And part of the isolation has to do with introversion. Not all, certainly, but I'd say the majority of gifted women are introverted.

"Another thing is that part of giftedness involves an affective awareness. Not a hundred percent of the time, but a lot of gifted women have intense radar; they're very psychic, and that can intensify introversion, if you withdraw from crowds because you always feel raw, or pick up too much energy. So if you do have that kind of sensitivity, you really have to honor it, and respect it, and learn how to choose those energies that nourish you and avoid those that drain you. That's hard. We're learning all the time.

"In terms of finding peers, you have to realize it is hard, and you have to work at it. Barbara Kerr, bless her heart, she's such a sweety and so smart, one of the things she talks in her book "Smart Girls, Gifted Women" about falling in love with an idea, and how important that is. And I think it comes from falling in love with ideas, broadly construed, that brings people into contact with kindred spirits. I don't think you can necessarily join a health club and sit at the coffee bar. But if you focus on ideas and the things you love, you're more likely to attract a kindred spirit. "

(Noble brings up a lot of interesting ideas in her article, I recommend it for anyone who cares about gifted women.)

introverted part deux

Thanks to everyone for responding to my questions. I find it very interesting how many of us do feel pressure to entertain, to make everyone else feel at ease and to be "on" even when we are on the more introverted side of the scale.

I would like to respond to your comments here:

Forte - You didn't say if you are introverted or extroverted. I am wondering how much if this is socialized gender roles, being a "hostess" is a female/feminine quality. It could be that the men I mostly hang around with (I can think of a few exceptions) are Introverts, but this feeling of being responsible for the flow of conversation and the happiness of the group seems like more of a problem for women.

Kate - Good for you! I can almost never bring myself to bail. The feeling of "letting people down" hangs to heavily over me. Again, I can see this is an issue with me feeling overly responsible. I should make a point to take care of myself (and my immediate family.) I don't think I would be in danger of becoming too self-centered. I bet you are the same.

Mariposa - I have met you and you do seem very self-contained. I admire that. It was my stressful childhood that probably led me to feeling overly-responsible. Now that I am dealing with those issues I am starting to see that I need to take steps to be responsible for my own mental health and happiness. YKWIM?

Elizabeth - I am totally with you regarding family outings. As a homeschooler I never really enjoyed going on group field trips. I prefer to do things like that on our own schedule. My husband and Zoe are perfect to be with. When we add other people to the mix I start to stress about their enjoyment, happiness, level of interest, etc.

Alycia - So... would you say that you feel energized after spending time with people (outside of your family)? I am an introvert but not too far from extrovert on the Myers Brigg Personality Test. I look forward hanging out with my friends and I continue to seek them out for social calls. But I do get over-stimulated and it takes awhile for me to calm down to an even keel.

Shaun - I could have written this exactly! Even the parts about our husbands. Sometimes when I have parties I realize Pere has been missing for awhile and I find him "resting" in our bedroom. LOL. I think level of intelligence has a lot to do with my being able to enjoy spending time with someone. That and if they are actually a friendly and nice person. I still feel it is worth all kinds of jangled nerves to be able to get together with a group of really smart/funny people. I look forward to that yearly gathering. *hint hint*

Introverted

I never really thought of myself as introverted because I enjoy hanging out with people I really like and I have a need for intellectual conversations.

I have read that Introverts feel drained after spending time with groups, big and small. I don't feel drained so I thought I wasn't an introvert.

What I feel is over-stimulated, nerves jangled, and kind of stressed. It takes me 30 - 120 minutes to find my calm after spending time with people outside of my small family.

I have to wonder how much of that is because I am introverted and how much is from my stressful childhood that caused me to become hyper-vigilant and uber-responsible.

I guess we will see. My new idea is to be more aware of how I am feeling in social situations. I am going to try to be more inward focussed, let adults take care of themselves, stop feeling like it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.

Imagine a bucket of energy - when I go into a social situation I often ladle out the energy for everyone else (more than they ask for), leaving the bucket dry for myself. I don't know if I am explaining it right... I think of that quote from The Lord of the Rings "Like butter spread over too much bread"

When I have to hang out with people I have nothing in common with... I try anyway. I want to be polite and follow the social conventions. But I kind of admire people who know themselves well enough to be apart and separate. When I go off and be quiet by myself I feel guilty. So, another new thing I am going to try is letting myself be quiet in those situations.

How about you? Are you shy? Are you self-contained? Do you feel like you have to talk to make people comfortable? Do you feel it is your responsibility to be entertaining?

p.s. There may have been something wrong with my comments. I hope I fixed it.

Summer Curriculum

Walks
Take a walk by the river
Take a walk to the park
Take Nature Walk
Take a pick-up-the-trash walk
Take a flower walk and press the flowers
Identify the trees on our street
Identify the trees in the park
Go on a shape walk

Outside
Go bike riding
Play catch
Play basketball
Play croqeut
Draw with chalk
Have water gun fight
Go on a bug hunt
Blow Bubbles
Clean up the garage

Outings
Go bowling
Go to the Zoo
Go to the library
Go to Health Works
Go to the Chocolate Factory
Go fishing

In the House
Play a board games
Play a card game
Read Aloud
Tackle a cleaning project
Color together
Do Art project
Do Origami
Do a craft
Do a science project
Play a math game
Teach her how to do one of the things on my list (skills like lighting the stove or a candle)
Paint nails
Do a makeover
Do each other's hair
Make a scavenger hunt
Make a scrap book
Bake
Write a letter to a friend
Read a poem and make a poem recipe
Draw something we see
Write in a journal
Do Rosetta Stone together
Make an obstacle course
Make a movie
Make a podcast
Create a collage
Draw the family tree
Act out a play
Write a fairy tale
Start a blog
Play chess
Work on a puzzle
Build a lego construction
Do yoga
Play the piano
Sing your songs
Make something out of felt
Play finger string games
Do coloring book
Do activity book
Play hanged man
Draw a self portrait
Dance the disco
Video tape an interview
Make jewelry
Write to each other in code language
Do something secret and nice for a friend
Dress up Charlotte
Make a book and illustrate it
Answer questions from the question box

what I am not talking about

So I am not writing because nothing is going on here that I'm ready to write about.

It is still up in the air as to what is going on with my mother-in-law's health.

We are NOT on a cruise ship in Europe now. And yes, we were supposed to be. But we want to be here in the states right now.

So I am not on a cruise and I am not in L.A. I am here, waiting, wondering worrying.

I had three whole days of not thinking about my mom or my sister. Then I found out this afternoon that my nephew's graduation party is this Sunday. Guess who didn't get an invitation? And yes... they know we are in town.

Okay... *deep breath* ,the sun is shining, I have nice friends, Pere made homemade eclairs the other night, Zoe is safe, she'll get to sing in the choir performance, my niece is safe back in Florida,

and, if my sister really doesn't invite me then I don't have to pretend to be nice to her anymore... small reward.

rollercoaster day

Today was a rollercoaster of emotions.

First I learned that my really good friend's husband lost his job. I was totally shocked and it stressed me out so much I got nauseous.

Then a couple hours later I found out that my mother-in-law remains cancer free (there had been a worry for the last week.) That was a BIG worry that I am so so thankful to let go of.

Then my sister called and wanted to come over and take some chairs my mother had asked me to store for her. Nothing happened. I think I am starting to feel stronger as far as my sister goes.

Then, within like 20 minutes Zoe went from fine to crying and grabbing her ear in pain. I was lucky enough to get her into her pediatrician real quick and we found out she has an ear infection. :( This is her first one. She was in SO much pain. That was really stressful. I hate when there is nothing I can do to make her better.

But her medicine took effect and her ear stopped hurting, it just made her tired.

Then we went to our friends house for the last night of hanging out for awhile and that was really fun and nice.

Now I am watching the Lakers Rockets games and the Lakers are doing really poorly. Like yelling lots of obscenities at the T.V. poorly. I really hope I can update with better news later tonight.

But, of course, what really matters is having your health. Everything else is just part of the ride.

Busy Week and Scheduling

We have a busy but fun plans this week.

Last night was the birthday party of our neighbor. There was cake and wine and trampolining for the kids.

Today we have a playdate and a final visit from my niece and her son.

Tomorrow is pizza and board games with friends in the evening.

Thursday is our last roleplaying game session in May.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday we will be getting ready for our trip.

In between all the fun I am trying to figure out Zoe's curriculum for the Fall and participating in an online seminar for gifted kids.

As for the former... I will be using Singapore and Life of Fred for Math, definitely Michael Clay Thompson and probably Lightning Literature for Language Arts.

I'm having some issues with History and Science that I haven't found the answers for yet.

We are using A History of US for history, the 11 volume set and the teaching guide. I've seen that some do 3 or so chapters a day, and there are about 42 chapters per book, so 14 lessons per book x 11 books.

We can't do that many chapters a day and still do the activities in the teacher's guide. And Zoe really gets a lot out of the questions and cross-disciplinary activities.

The way we do it now is one chapter a day four days a week... so doing that math... it's going to take us a long long long time to finish these books.

Science... I like Singapore Science. I think Zoe needs harder books. But, I have this thing where I am afraid to skip ahead in case she misses some important concept. Now that I write that down it sounds really stupid... but that is how I feel. She will finish her new science books in 8 weeks. I was doing the science books that were at the same grade level as her math. But math is her (relatively) weakest subject and she is a stronger and more interested in science. So, obviously I need to make a change there.

But my biggest and most tummy ache inducing choice is whether to have her do more school work, the same amount of school work, or less school work.

As kids get older they tend to do more. She is at a level where there is more to do. Plus she has her extra curricular activities and both her music and Japanese teachers want her to do even more this year - competitions, tests, etc.

BUT , she is 8. Ahhhh... the trials of asynchrony!

Every year she gets older and I just want to drag her back in time. So my thoughts go "She can do so much, who am I to hold her back?" and then "She will only be young once. What is the point of moving forward so quickly." (as if I have any choice in the matter)

I feel like everyone will side with my second argument, except people in India and China, Richard Freeman and the guy who made 2 Million Minutes - or check it out on youtube.

I know you guys will laugh at me for thinking about this stuff. But I do. It is part of my uber-responsibility complex.