Lets get intense

I realize that I have been chasing the illusion of acceptance for a long time. I say "the illusion" because many people only see a false persona that I feel comfortable sharing with, what I sometimes feel is, an unsafe and judging world.

I talk fast. When I get excited about a subject my words come fast and I have an intensity to my voice. I really like it when someone gets on that train with me and we share an intense exchange of ideas.

I feel intensely. When I get excited by a new idea I get really excited. When I see someone hurting I hurt too. When I see a wrong I feel responsible for righting it. I see how things "could be" and "should be" and my mind has several tracks running at once, consciously and unconsciously, trying to fix the world.

I have a highly developed sense of right and wrong. I sometimes see it as my personal responsibility to fight injustices, to reveal untruths, and to confront selfish and hurtful behavior and attempt to put a stop to it. If I try to just walk away and ignore it I feel guilty, like I am part of the problem. I can't live with that. But sometimes I don't have all the answers.

I have a lot of things I am good at and a lot of things I am interested in. Do what I love? I would do ten thousand things. If I have one clear path to follow it is to keep learning, keep synthesizing and keep producing. Life is a banquet.

I am very sensitive. I feel too open to other people's feelings sometimes. Is it a gift? Is it a curse? Both? I notice everything. I see the subtlest details and gain a multitude of information from body language, a glance, word choice, tone, etc. I could explain it but it wouldn't make sense. Sometimes I feel like I can see right through the public persona people try to show me. I want to respond to them on an authentic level, to say "I see right through you."

I love being in nature. I fall in love with the bright fuchsia of the flower, the innumerable shades of green, the adorable tiny toad, the evolution of camouflage, trying to imagine what the birds are saying to each other, the heartbreaking beauty of the sunset and I marvel that it happens everyday. I always feel better about myself and life when I take time to be outside. I love many things but nature both uplifts and centers me.

I am a serious person. I care very strongly about getting things right, doing them the right way, doing my best, creating something that I can only see in my minds eye, communicating what is important to me, and living in alignment with my strong values. This makes me feel good. It gives me satisfaction. I don't care about things being easy. I don't want to live life on the surface, shallow and smooth. I like challenges and I feel really good when I meet them. If I don't have a challenge I make one for myself. I like to be always moving forward, getting better, perfecting, innovating, and producing.

Not that I don't appreciate being idle at times. Not that I can't be playful and joke around. I have a great sense of humor. But I need to be the best I am capable of.

If I stop chasing acceptance and allow myself to be me what will happen? I think at least I need to accept myself, all of me, the good, the bad, the intensities, even if no one else does.

I may still yearn for acceptance. But, it is only an illusion if I am holding so much of myself back. People may not understand me but that is not so different from how things are already. I have never been that good at hiding anyway. But, I fear that I have spent so much time trying to fit in that I am losing touch with vital parts of myself, the real me. Luckily I can sense it is all still in there, rattling the cage even. :)