The book I am reading, The Gifted Adult by Mary-Elaine Jacbosen, has caused to me realize that most of my issues about being gifted are in the relationship area.
I go through this vicious circle of trying to fit in- not really being able to fit in- feeling like an outsider- deciding to just be myself- feeling very insecure about that- feeling very hurt if anyone doesn't accept me- deciding to hide out and stop hanging around with people- deciding that is not healthy and that I need to get out there again - trying to fit in - yadda - yadda - yadda.
I think one of my problems is that I do not really accept myself. I had very mixed messages from society in general about being gifted, and especially about being a gifted woman. I got negative message from my mother about... well about most everything but my giftedness was definitely a negative in her mind.
I go from being very ON and INTENSE and CHARISMATIC to needing personal space, withdrawing, as a means of self-protection.
When I am with other gifted folk I don't really need to tone it down and those relationships are really important to me. But the real world isn't full of people who are comfortable with what I bring to the table. I need to live in the world with those people but I am tired of this merry-go-round.
From the book The Gifted Adult:
"To feel like a outsider, to constantly pressure yourself to hold back your gifts in order to fit in or avoid disapproval..."
"the only hope the "odd one" has of fitting in seems to depend upon continuous self-monitoring and keeping one's peculiarities in check."
"to defend ourselves from undue prejudice, many of us protect ourselves by pretending to be without gifts... a charade that provide a small measure of solace and refuge."
"we are apt to remain lost in a culture that has no way to understand us, much less support us."
"none of these gifts come without a price. We pay as we go with risk, disheartening disapproval, and the emotional toll of making creative contributions to today's world."
"by detangling ourselves from the tight knots that arise whenever we search for nods of approval by trying to explain who we are and why we are different and what we are up to, we set ourselves free."
It is not all bad, and the book goes through the mental exercises of naming, recognizing and supporting your gifts and yourself.
I post these quotes because sometimes I need to remind myself that my difficulties in relationships are common for gifted adults. I need to remind myself that it is not "just me" and that trying even harder to fit in is not the answer.
Self-acceptance is the answer. And that's not easy, especially with the mother I had. But I am putting a lot of effort into it and I know that I am a very capable person.
And maybe someday, when I am more self-accepting, spending hours in the company of someone who actively, yet passive aggressively, rejects me will not bother me so much. But for now the best I can do it turn it into an opportunity to learn and grow while trying not to let to shake my self-esteem.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I do a lot of those things, but I guess I am not bothered now. I have been. And there will probably come a time when I am again. I feel I cycle through issues every few years, each time there is a little more resolution.
ReplyDeleteI am so introverted, but I feel my introversion supports me rather than protects me at this time in my life.
I hope you figure out what works best for you.
This is so timely for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing so openly..
it has helped me a great deal on
my journey.
I also feel like I cycle through things. Everytime I put myself out there I grow a little more but then I need to pull back in again. I'm beginning to notice a big difference in my internal strength after every cycle. I really feel myself beginning to accept my differences and embrace them, rather than worry too much about how others are viewing me. But it still remains such a challenge.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you are giving yourself the time to work through all this -- awareness is at least 1/2 the battle. So many of our coping strategies, etc., go under the radar.
ReplyDeleteFreelancing and homeschool have definitely given me the opportunity to carve out a comfortable niche for all of us.
Mariposa - I remember when I met you that you did seem wise about your introversions. The way you responsibly took care of yourself is an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteKate - I am glad this helped! Check out that book.
ReplyDeleteGwenivere - I am glad to hear you're getting better each time. I can see how that would happen.
ReplyDeleteShaun - I find that homeschooling makes it harder. I'm not sure how much I get along with most women.
ReplyDeleteTrust me -- school is no picnic either. I always felt very "outsider" in the tight-knit group of families at our community school. And good schools typically require a high level of parent involvement, apart from the constant advocacy issue.
ReplyDeleteThere were a lot of reasons for that, but homeschooling allows me to choose my level of involvement. At our co-op, for example, some folks sit at a table and chat all afternoon, some go in the hall with a book or a laptop, some focus on having some free knitting or beading time, etc. etc. One friend of mine was very open about saying, "I am very introverted and I Cannot sit in the big gathering room with all the noise," and that was fine. She always found a little nook and brought lots of reading with her.
Anyway, that is about me, not you! I guess I just want to give you a little hope that it is possible that make a place for yourself.
Shaun - I wish I could be more like your introverted friend. I used to be.
ReplyDeleteBut in my new town our group has become very cliquey. And I feel like if I'm not part of the clique Zoe might not get invited to play with the kids of the parents who are very invested in the clique.
Honestly I didn't even realize I was in a clique at first but now I see it is the core group that sits and chats the whole park day that also gets together at each others houses for play groups, and sees movies together, and does birthday parties, etc.
If I were to bring a book... well I would have to be prepared for the fallout. Still... I do long to bring a book.