Name Game

So I have this weird Name Coincidence thingy that's been going on in my life.

I have had 6 serious boyfriends since high school (counting husband Brian) their names were

Brian
Jay
Alex
Ray
Alex
Brian

????

I also have a sister whom we call Susie and a step-sister named Suzanne.
I have a nephew named Kurt and a step-brother named Curt
I have a step-brother and a brother-in-law named David
I had a step-sister named Kellee (she passed away) and a sister-in-law named Kelly.
My best friend growing up was Elizabeth, which is also my sister's name.

There is more, other weird name doubling...

Just a Strange Fact for Monday.

Mother of the Year Award

Thank you Kate in NJ for giving me the Mother of the Year award.

But wait, before I can accept I have to follow the rules:

Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are No Longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!

I feel awful when something I say makes Zoe feel bad about herself. Not guilty or shameful in a healthy normal way that people are supposed to feel when we know we have done something wrong. But, when something I say makes her feel like she is not a good person. I never mean to do it and, when I have, I always try to take it back and convince her that is not what I meant. Because she is a really really good person.

Next....Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!

1. How much Zoe and I laugh together. We crack each other up all the time.
2. I love being amazed by her.
3. I love lying with her in bed, after prayer and story time. She talks to me about her day then and shares her secret thought.
4. I am very gratified that she loves homeschooling so much.
5. I love our habit of reading aloud to her.
6. I love her sweetness. She really is a joy.
7. Being a mother is a challenge that has made me a much better person and I am so thankful for that.

Send this to seven other Moms of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you've selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you.

Well, other than my online friends (Mariposa, Kate, Shaun, Alli, Nina) who have already been given this much deserved award I want to send this out to some IRL friends:

Jeanette
Veronica
Loraine
Wendy
Alice
Jaime
and my mother-in-law Anne

Self-Care

I like to think I am a very strong person, Nigh Invulnerable, if you will. But I have been foolishly depleting my reserves.

I have been staying up till 1 or 2 every night. And I still get up at 7:30. I keep forgetting to have my protein shake before bed, which means a slow decline during the late night, spiraling negativity and nightmares during my sleep, then shaky, barely-keeping-it-together zombification until breakfast raises my blood sugar.

I had been crying almost every day... *sigh* this has been prescribed. One of the stages of recovery is grief (not my favorite stage, let me tell you) and apparently I have to let myself feel bad about the loss of a relationship with my mother before I can feel better. (therapy logic makes me go "grrrrr")

Other things have been pretty stressful too. My mother-in-law was ill and taken to emergency room. That was shocking and scary. And it is hard to be so far away.

My niece is graduating and I keep thinking about her mother Kellee who passed away in 2000. There is a lot of regret there... I didn't see her enough before she passed away.

Tomorrow I am hosting a party for my niece. I am very proud of her and very happy to do it. But I am worried about seeing my mother. It breaks my heart every time I happen to catch a glimpse of her. I was raised to be her version of a "good" daughter, who always put her welfare and needs above my own. And it feels like the only way I have been able to start recovering from her abuse is to be totally removed from her presence.

When my niece moves back to Florida next week my plan is to cut off entirely from my mother (which also means my step-father.) And yes, that is a very sad. But, right now, I don't see another choice. She wont change and I can't be in that same relationship with her.

This is something I have been trying to grieve over. But it is very hard for me to cry about this stuff in front of anyone. So I have been crying in the shower, and other times I am alone, like when I am ironing or doing the dishes. But even then, it is all too overwhelming and I can only take it for a few moments before I have to reign it back it.

It kind of sucks sometimes... having to be nigh invulnerable.

The lack of sleep, the crying, the party... it's making me want to crawl into a small dark cave and sleep until the Springtime of my soul arrives to renew me.

Don't worry too much about me though. I am not sharing any of this to worry you. Life is life. Somethings we never really get over. But I really am a very strong person. And, kind of crazily proactive. I was never willing to be unhappy or unhealthy. I have been fixing up my life and making it better and better all along. And, honestly, I have SO much to be grateful for and when I open my eyes to that I see it's already Springtime. Everyday I hear the birds singing.

Introverted Thinking Aided by Intuition

Here is Pere's... wow, so true.

Main Characteristics

INTPs exhibit the greatest precision in thought and language of all the types; they tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies in thought and language instantaneously. The one word which captures the unique style of INTPs is architect - the architect of ideas and systems as well as the architect of edifices. This type is found in only 1 percent of the population and therefore is not encountered as frequently as some of the other types.

INTPs detect contradictions in statements no matter how distant in space or time the contradictory statements were produced. The intellectual scanning of INTPs has a principled quality; that is, INTPs search for whatever is relevant and pertinent to the issue at hand. Consequently, INTPs can concentrate better than any other type.

Authority derived from office, position, or wide acceptance does not impress INTPs. Only statements that are logical and coherent carry weight. External authority per se is irrelevant. INTPs abhor redundancy and incoherence. Possessing a desire to understand the universe, an INTP is constantly looking for natural law. Curiosity concerning these keys to the universe is a driving force in this type.

INTPs prize intelligence in themselves and in others, but can become intellectual dilettantes as a result of their need too amass ideas, principles, or understanding of behavior. And once they know something, it is remembered. INTPs can become obsessed with analysis. Once caught up in a thought process, that thought process seems to have a will of its own for INTPs, and they persevere until the issue is comprehended in all its complexity. They can be intellectual snobs and may show impatience at times with others less endowed intellectually. This quality, INTPs find, generates hostility and defensive behavior on the part of others, who may describe an INTP as arrogant.

For INTPs, the world exists primarily to be understood. Reality is trivial, a mere arena for proving ideas. It is essential that the universe is understood and that whatever is stated about the universe is stated correctly, with coherence and without redundancy. This is the INTPs final purpose. It matters not whether others understand or accept his or her truths.

Career

The INTP is the logician, the mathematician, the philosopher, the scientist; any pursuit requiring architecture of ideas intrigues this type. INTP's should not, however, be asked to work out the implementation or application of their models to the real world.

The INTP is the architect of a system and leaves it to others to be the builder and the applicator. Very often therefore, the INTP's work is not credited to him or her. The builder and the applier gains fame and fortune, while the INTP's name remains obscure. Appreciation of an INTP's theoretical work frequently comes posthumously - or the work may never be removed from library shelves at all and thus lost.

INTP's tend not to be writers or to go into sales work. They are, however, often excellent teachers, particularly for advanced students, although INTP's do not always enjoy much popularity, for they can be hard taskmasters. They are not good at clerical tasks and are impatient with routine details. They prefer to work quietly, without interruption, and often alone. If an organization is to use the talents of an INTP appropriately, the INTP must be given an efficient support staff who can capture ideas as they emerge and before the INTP loses interest and turns to another idea.

Our "architect" is not merely a designer of buildings. There is the architect of ideas (the philosopher), the architect of number systems (the mathematician), the architect of computer languages (the programmer), and on and on. In short, abstract design is the forte of the architect and coherence is the primary issue.

Home

INTP's take their mating relationship seriously and usually are faithful and devoted - albeit preoccupied at times. They are not likely to welcome constant social activity or disorganization in the home. In all probability, the mate of an INTP will initiate and manage the social life. If left to his or her own devices the INTP mate will retreat into the world of books and emerge only when physical needs become imperative. INTP's are, however, willing, compliant, and easy to live with, although somewhat forgetful of appointments, anniversaries, and rituals of daily living unless reminded. They may have difficulty expressing their emotions verbally, and the mate of an INTP may believe that he/she is somewhat taken for granted. As a parent, the INTP is devoted; they enjoy children, and are serious about their upbringing. The home of an INTP parent is usually calm, low-key in discipline, but well run and ordered. [editors note: LOL]

INTP's deal with the environment primarily through intuition, and their strongest quality, the thinking function, remains relatively hidden except in close associations. Therefore, INTP's are often misunderstood, seen as difficult to know, and seldom perceived at their true level of competency. They are inclined to be shy except when with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. They are very adaptable until one of their principles is violated. Then INTP's are not adaptable at all! They may have difficulty in being understood by others because they tend to think in a complicated fashion and want to be precise, never redundant in their communications. Because their feeling qualities may be underdeveloped, they may be insensitive to the wants and wishes of others, often unaware of the existence of these wants and wishes.

Mid-life

At mid-life the INTP might do well to work on increasing awareness of emotional responses, responding to the value preferences of others, and verbalizing to others the INTP's awareness of these values. At mid-life one of the tasks of the INTP is to develop an ability to play for play's sake; not to learn something or to somehow improve a skill. Working on the sensual side of his or her nature may provide a source of new pleasure and excitement.

Mates

Why would this abstractionist find the ESFJ "seller" attractive? Think broadly of selling. This amounts to persuading another to receive something of value to the receiver. The seller is essentially caring for the receiver (quite apart from the fact that the receiver pays). This is the essential attitude of the ESFJ seller, and this attitude is perceptible to the receiver (buyer); he feels this nourishing approach. That is what is attractive to the INTP architect-philosopher - the nourishment which anchors him to the real world.

What attracts the ESFJ "seller"? Here is a person who, like a balloon filled with hydrogen, is likely to escape the earth (in his abstract attitude). He needs to have a string attached so that he can be hauled down to earth now and then. In a sense, he needs to be "sold on reality," so indifferent is he to it.

The INTP also has a second likely target to attract him: the ENFJ "pedagogue." What is a pedagogue? A catalyst of the growth process, someone who has that uncanny ability to "bring out" the other, to activate the differentiation or "unfolding" process in the learner. All NFs seem to have this capability in some degree and the accompanying desire to exercise it, but the ENFJ seems to have it in abundance. This relationship - the ENFJ-INTP - can be "deep and meaningful" for the former and anchoring in a charismatic way for the latter.

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me

Click here and take the Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-Letter Type Indicator Test

Pere and I both thought the descriptions were spot on. Post yours if you want to share, on your blog or mine.
(I bolded areas that are especially obvious but it is all pretty much true.)

I am a INTJ - Introverted Intuition Aided by Thinking

INTJs are the most self-confident of all types, having "self-power" awareness. Found in about 1 percent of the general population, the INTJs live in an introspective reality, focusing on possibilities, using thinking in the form of empirical logic, and preferring that events and people serve some positive use. Decisions come naturally to INTJs' once a decision is made, INTJs are at rest. INTJs look to the future rather than the past, and a word which captures the essence of INTJs is builder - a builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models.

To INTJs authority based on position, rank, title, or publication has absolutely no force. This type is not likely to succumb to he magic of slogans, watchwords, or shibboleths. If an idea or position makes sense to an INTJ, it will be adopted, if it doesn't, it won't, regardless of who took the position or generated the idea. As with the INTP, authority per se does not impress the INTJ.

INTJs do, however, tend to conform to rules if they are useful, not because they believe in them, or because they make sense, but because of their unique view of reality. They are the supreme pragmatists, who see reality as something which is quite arbitrary and made up. Thus it can be used as a tool - or ignored. Reality is quite malleable and can be changed, conquered, or brought to heel. Reality is a crucible for the refining of ideas, and in this sense, INTJs are the most theoretical of all the types. Where an ESTP sees ideas as the pawn of reality, an INTJ sees reality as the pawn of ideas: No idea is too farfetched to be entertained. INTJs are natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them.

INTJs manipulate the world of theory as if on a gigantic chess board, always seeking strategies and tactics that have high payoff. In their penchant for logic, the INTJs resemble the INTPs. The logic of an INTJ, however, is not confined to the expressible logical. Unlike INTPs, INTJs need only to have a vague, intuitive impression of the unexpressed logic of a system to continue surely on their way. Things need only seem logical; this is entirely sufficient. Moreover, they always have a keen eye for the consequence of the application of new ideas or positions. They can be quite ruthless in the implementation of systems, seldom counting personal cost in terms of time and energy. Theories which cannot be made to work are quickly discarded by the INTJs.

To understand INTJs, their way of dealing with ideas should be observed closely. Their conscious thought is extraverted and empirical. Hence, they are better at generalizing, classifying, summarizing, adducing evidence, proving, and demonstrating than are the INTPs. The INTJs are somewhat less at home with pure reason, that is, systemic logic, where principles are explicit. In this respect they resemble the ENTJs. The INTJs, rather than using deductive logic, use their intuition to grasp coherence.

Career

INTJs can be very single-minded at times; this can be either a weakness or a strength in their careers, for they can ignore the points of view and wishes of others. INTJs usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are steady in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither time nor effort on their part or that of their colleagues and employees.

INTJs live to see systems translated into substance; an INTP, by way of contrast, is content to design the system. In both these types, however, coherence is the master. Both internal and external consistency are important, and if an INTJ finds that he or she is in a working situation where overlapping functions, duplication of effort, inefficient paper flow, and waste of human and material resources abound, the INTJ cannot rest until an effort is made to correct the situation. Cost-effectiveness is a concept which has a strong imperative for INTJs, who frequently select occupations in engineering, particularly human engineering. They also can be found in the physical sciences, in roles which require development, such as curriculum building, and, in general, any job which requires the creation and application of technology to complex areas.

Fellow workers of INTJs often feel as if the INTJ can see right through them, and often believe that the INTJ finds them wanting. This tendency of people to feel transparent in the presence of the INTJ often result in relationships which have psychological distance. Thus colleagues find the INTJ apparently unemotional and, at times, cold and dispassionate. Because of their tendency to drive others as hard as they do themselves, INTJs often seem demanding and difficult to satisfy. INTJs are high achievers in school and on the job. On the job, they take the goals of an institution seriously and continually strive to respond to these goals. They make dedicated, loyal employees whose loyalties are directed toward the system, rather than toward individuals within the system.

So as the people of an institution come and go, the INTJs have little difficulty - unlike the NFs, who have their loyalties involved more with persons than offices. INTJs tend, ordinarily, to verbalize the positive and eschew comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an institution forward than commiserating about mistakes of the past.

Home

As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. They are the most independent of all types. They will trust their intuitions about others when making choices of friends and mates, even in the face of contradictory evidence and pressures applied by others. The emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither male nor female INTJ is apt to express emotional reactions. At times, both will seem cold, reserved, and unresponsive, while in fact INTJs are almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from those for whom they care. In social situations, INTJs may also be unresponsive and may neglect to observe small rituals designed to put others at their ease. For example, INTJs may communicate that time is wasted if used for idle dialogue, and thus people receive a sense of hurry from an INTJ which is not always intended. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in recreational situations. They do not enjoy physical contact except with a chosen few.

As parents, INTJs are dedicated and single minded in their devotion: Their children are a major focus in life. They are supportive of their children and tend to allow them to develop in directions of their own choosing. INTJs usually are firm and consistent in their discipline and rarely care to repeat directions given to children or others. Being the most independent all the types, they have a strong need for autonomy; indifference or criticism from people in general does not particularly bother INTJs, if they believe that they are right. They also have a strong need for privacy.

The most important preference of an INTJ is intuition, but this is seldom seen. Rather, the function of thinking is used to deal with the world and with people. INTJs are vulnerable in the emotional area and may make serious mistakes here.

Midlife

At midlife the feeling side of personality should be given much attention by the INTJ, who can work at expanding his or her abilities to respond to wishes and feelings of others. They may also do well to turn more attention to the sensory side of their natures, attempting to get in touch with the joys of good food, good beverages, social rituals, kinesthetic experiences, and play. The "wasting" of time in play is an appropriate target as a midlife task for INTJs who can take lessons from an SP, especially an ESP, in the art of enjoying the pleasures of life.

Mates

Wishing to control nature, the INTJ "scientist" probably has more difficulty than all other types in making up his or her mind in mate selection. Even mate selection must be done in a scientific way. It may well be that the narratives, plays, and films impugning the "rational and objective" approach to mating have as their target our thorough-going scientist INTJ. Nevertheless, when young, the INTJ is attracted to the free-wheeling, spontaneous, fun-loving "entertainer" ESFP. But the INTJ requires that mating meet certain criteria, else it is not undertaken. So the INTJ doesn't often go through with what is begun by natural attraction. Since he or she proceeds in a rational and methodical way, the selection of a similar temperament is more likely than selection of opposite, following the assumption that those who are similar ought to do well together. The INTJ "scientist" is also attracted to the ENFP "journalist," probably because of the enthusiastic, effervescent, and apparently spontaneous enjoyment and wonderment this type exudes - the very antitheses of the careful, thoughtful exactitude of the INTJ.

Homeschooling Monday

Math - Started the review for the end of the book.

Poetry - Situations when you would choose to use Trochee over Dactyl. What sounds in nature sound like iambic, trochee, dactyl or anapest

Japanese - More katakana

Social Studies - How an influx of gold from the Americas disrupted and damaged the Spanish economy in the 1500's and the Spanish Inquisition.

Science - Swine Flu, mutations, outbreaks, epidemics and pandemics.



Reading - Swallowdale by Arthur Ransome part of the Swallows and Amazons series

PIano lesson - Her teacher wanted to talk with Zoe and me about upcoming competitions, music festivals, recitals, etc. There are two big competitions, The Stickley and Hoosier Auditions.

She decided to move Zoe up two levels. Honestly I don't really understand what the levels mean, I think it might have something to do with the Achievement in Music tests.

So she has a 4 page Bach piece and a longish Beethoven piece for piano and Bel Piacere by Handel for voice.

*****************

So, all this means that Zoe will be getting more busy. At least 3 competitions the next school year, the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam in Chicago, several choir recitals, moving onto 6th and 7th grade in Math, Science and Language Arts, starting Hebrew School, plus whatever else she wants to get herself into.

But, it seems like it is still less than her school friends do. They all go to school until 3:30 and then come home and do homework and then practice for soccer or band. The friend Zoe has over today has soccer practice 3 afternoons and then games all day on Saturday . The neighbor girl, she's 12, has homework and practice for band (she is really good, went to the state competitions this year) until bedtime.

Not that it makes it okay for Zoe to be busy. I don't know. When I was growing up I was a latch key kid. I came home after school and read books or watched T.V. alone in the house until my mom came home. If it was early enough I rode my bike around the neighborhood, hoping to meet up with some friends, until dinner. Then I watched more TV until my mom sent me to bed. My mother wasn't about to drive me around to extra-curricular activities or pick me up at school late. I had to make sure I was on the bus home.

So yeah, other than musical theatre classes on Saturdays (That lasted all day, so it was worth it for my mom to take me) my childhood was lazy and unproductive. And maybe that is how childhood should be. Or maybe idle hands are the Devil's Play things. I wandered around dangerous woods, I rode my bike really far away, I read A LOT, a watched a lot of bad television and basically frittered away my childhood and then my teenaged years.

I was not involved in girl scouts, a Church youth group, ballet, gymnastics, soccer, etc. I tried a lot of things briefly,(guitar, modeling, karate) at the weird schools I went to. But, when I got older I was mostly a juvenile delinquent, with too much time on my hands.

Zoe... well I am trying really hard with Zoe. I've always wanted her to have plenty of free play time. That went south fairly quickly when she demanded instruction in foreign languages and a math workbook when she was two (No lie, no exaggeration.) Until last year I tried to keep homeschooling down to four days a week and done by lunch.

That more than reasonable and left her plenty of Free Time.

But then there were all the classes... Zoe tried karate, ballet/jazz, acting, musical theatre, Shakespeare, astronaut training, voice, piano, Japanese, gymnastics and religious school. She loved them all and cried when I made her choose a few to stick with. When we lived in Los Angeles she decided on Shakespeare, gymnastics, voice, piano and musical theatre with various short term classes thrown in here and there (yeah, that is one of the beauties of homeschooling.)

Now she has a weekly 45 min piano/voice lesson that is soon to go up to an hour, a weekly hour long Japanese lesson, Sunday School, and various Saturday acting endeavors that only come up a few times a year. Plus homeschooling that is now 6 hours a day (but still only four days a week)

So... is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does she have enough time to play? It seems like it. But it doesn't seem like she has enough time to complain that she is bored. We have board games, and a Wii, and coloring books, and Littlest Pet Shops, and bikes to ride, and anime to watch and many books to read. When school is over, around 2:00 p.m., she has plenty of things to do.

I don't know. I don't think she is doing TOO much. But, as always, I want to be careful and make sure she is happy and thriving and experiencing childhood.. hopefully a better childhood than I had.

Nightmares

I've suffered from very vivid and disturbing nightmares for as long as I can remember.

I rarely have good dreams. I don't dream of flying. (Though once I had a dream I could levitate.) My nightmares are not the I forgot to wear pants to school and oh! there is a big test that I didn't know I was supposed to study for variety. They are more like being chased by Michael Myers, my eyes burning out in a nuclear blast, running from flesh eating zombies, finding myself trapped in a room by giant hairy spiders, suffering Dantesque tortures of hell, legless mutants reaching for me with long arms from under the bed... *shudder*

Okay, we can stop talking about that now...

I think part of my problem is my issue with low blood sugar. When I am awake I should eat every 3 or 4 hours. If I don't I end up feeling like this: anxiety, moodiness, negativism, irritability, belligerence, fatigue, shakiness (from the wikipedia page on Hypoglycemia) It is not like it happens all at once and if I don't eat some cheesy crackers every four hours I become all demonic. I have gotten pretty good at managing it. But, I don't get up in the middle of the night and eat. And I think that might be part of why I have nightmares 5 out of 7 nights of the week. (I have some kind of bad dream pretty much every night but I am kind of used to it.)

Also Patrick McNamara, a neurocognitive scientist, who has been studying nightmares for the last ten years has this to say:

In about 2 percent of the adult population, nightmares occur frequently.

In adults, recurrent nightmares occur in people with so-called thin boundaries, who are especially sensitive to sensory impressions.
Check.

Creative people, like artists, writers, musicians, and so forth, also report more nightmares.
Check.

A different form of nightmare, heavily influenced by memory, occurs frequently in people who have experienced trauma.
Check.

It is amazing to me that only 25% of the populace has at least one nightmare a month and that 7 - 8% have nightmares once a week.

I used to suffer frequently from Sleep Paralysis:
Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false"
In addition, the paralysis state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger.[10] Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations.[11] The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.

My sleep paralysis was worst when I had an irregular sleeping schedule - like all through high school and then when I used to work nights.

Sleep paralysis... man, it's all kinds of horrible. I don't have it so much anymore, just a few times a year. But it used to be a few times a week.

I've had a lot of other weird sleep issues happen here and there, sleep walking and sleep talking only a few times, narcolepsy when I was working the night shift, lucid dreaming, sleep terrors, insomnia.. but I don't snore. :) I also remember my dreams/nightmares very well.

But you know me, I'm the lemonade from lemon's type of gal. The novel that I am currently working on, the novel that's been swirling around in my brain for 6+ years, the subject is dreams and nightmares. I'm including lots of yummy world folklore and superstitions about all this stuff, you know, the explanations that people gave themselves before we had all this nifty science.