I like to think I am a very strong person, Nigh Invulnerable, if you will. But I have been foolishly depleting my reserves.
I have been staying up till 1 or 2 every night. And I still get up at 7:30. I keep forgetting to have my protein shake before bed, which means a slow decline during the late night, spiraling negativity and nightmares during my sleep, then shaky, barely-keeping-it-together zombification until breakfast raises my blood sugar.
I had been crying almost every day... *sigh* this has been prescribed. One of the stages of recovery is grief (not my favorite stage, let me tell you) and apparently I have to let myself feel bad about the loss of a relationship with my mother before I can feel better. (therapy logic makes me go "grrrrr")
Other things have been pretty stressful too. My mother-in-law was ill and taken to emergency room. That was shocking and scary. And it is hard to be so far away.
My niece is graduating and I keep thinking about her mother Kellee who passed away in 2000. There is a lot of regret there... I didn't see her enough before she passed away.
Tomorrow I am hosting a party for my niece. I am very proud of her and very happy to do it. But I am worried about seeing my mother. It breaks my heart every time I happen to catch a glimpse of her. I was raised to be her version of a "good" daughter, who always put her welfare and needs above my own. And it feels like the only way I have been able to start recovering from her abuse is to be totally removed from her presence.
When my niece moves back to Florida next week my plan is to cut off entirely from my mother (which also means my step-father.) And yes, that is a very sad. But, right now, I don't see another choice. She wont change and I can't be in that same relationship with her.
This is something I have been trying to grieve over. But it is very hard for me to cry about this stuff in front of anyone. So I have been crying in the shower, and other times I am alone, like when I am ironing or doing the dishes. But even then, it is all too overwhelming and I can only take it for a few moments before I have to reign it back it.
It kind of sucks sometimes... having to be nigh invulnerable.
The lack of sleep, the crying, the party... it's making me want to crawl into a small dark cave and sleep until the Springtime of my soul arrives to renew me.
Don't worry too much about me though. I am not sharing any of this to worry you. Life is life. Somethings we never really get over. But I really am a very strong person. And, kind of crazily proactive. I was never willing to be unhappy or unhealthy. I have been fixing up my life and making it better and better all along. And, honestly, I have SO much to be grateful for and when I open my eyes to that I see it's already Springtime. Everyday I hear the birds singing.
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I am so sorry for all your losses.
ReplyDeleteWe drink the shakes in the morning, is it too late for you to drink one by am? (It does seem sound practice before bed. I think I will try giving that to Ami instead of a small milk and a graham cracker before bed.)
I have this part of me that I usually keep private, but I will mention it in case it can help or that you know others have made it through this.
I did that with my mom, but I was able to phone because I was able to let her float around my bubble, because I wanted a relationship with my dad (who mostly worked out of town and country growing up). I also screen calls so I never pick up if I could not cope with a barrage. My mom calmed somewhat with age, and wants relationships with the grandkids of the ones she has contact with. I am able to "talk" about once a week. She has a combo of autoimmune disease and depression, and greatly scarred by the death of her mother at 3 and her step- mother. She never wanted to fix this in herself.
Once I realized she had no mother, didn't acquire how to mother, and needed a “mother”; I realized I had never had a "mother", did not have a “mother”, and will not have a "mother", and I was not her ‘mother; I was able to grieve my loss, a “mother”, and separate her from “mother” to a difficult (understatement) adult. For me this escalated and resolved before I had a child. What comes out of my mother’s mouth is her hurt, and I don’t own it, so it doesn’t hurt me. I imagine (see) her as a 11- year old child (because that's what she sounds like to me.)
If you think you have gone beyond grief to depression there is a herb with fewer side effects called St. John’s Wort. You can ask a doctor that uses herbal medicine.
I hope you can soon come to some kind of resolution or protective wall in your mind. I have noticed how determined you are in so many areas of your life. I hope it goes well tonight.
Mariposa - Thank you so much for sharing this. I understand it's difficult.
ReplyDeleteYou write - "Once I realized she had no mother, didn't acquire how to mother, and needed a “mother”; I realized I had never had a "mother", did not have a “mother”, and will not have a "mother", and I was not her ‘mother; I was able to grieve my loss, a “mother”, and separate her from “mother” to a difficult (understatement) adult. "
Yep. That is where I am now. Both my parents were children, but like those really scary blond children from Village of the Damned.
And you're right, I am a very determined person. I used to be determined to have a good relationship with my mother. For most of my life I tried really really hard. I imagined I had more control than I really did. Really I have no control over her behavior. No matter how good I tried to be she will still be a Narcissist. (prognosis is dismal for people with NPD)
So yeah, I'm grieving the loss of hope, the mother I never had and a relationship that will never exist.
I do have hope that I will get to a healthier place about it, like you have. That might not include actually talking to my mother. She has gotten worse with age. And she is not even very nice to Zoe. You can imagine how completely unacceptable that is. *frown*
Thank you for your support and well wishes. Since I have been talking about this stuff I have heard from several friends about their unhealthy childhoods. :( It's sad. But, I can say that my friends are not making the same mistakes. They are GOOD parents. That makes me really happy.
Grieving is important, and it isn't something that has an expiration date -- especially for a situation like yours, where the source of the grief is still hovering at the edge of your world.
ReplyDeleteI know you're strong and determined, but even metal breaks under stress. Allow yourself some personal time to grieve; get a big ol' bowl of ice cream, go through old photos, revisit old memories (good and bad) and cry when you need to. It's worth the headaches in the end, honest.
Music is very cathartic, too... there's a particular song that's a potent depressive trigger for me, if I let myself listen to the lyrics too closely. If I'm right on that point of almost crumbling, it'll nudge me right into a miserable heap. Which sounds awful, but it's better than letting the inevitable doom drag on and on.
Hang in there. Remember, your friends are a phone call away any time you need to vent or cry at someone.
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ReplyDeleteMiakoda, I could give you a great big hug. Except that I am not a touchy feely person. *wink*
ReplyDeleteYou are SO right. The photo albums... I could do that. There is a picture of my father, 5 years old, holding a chicken, so so tiny and I think, "There, right there, nothing has happened to him yet. He was just a precious child." I have cried and cried over that photo.
Music... totally. Music always takes me on a ride to wherever it and my subconscious want me to go. YKWIM?
The song I breakdown to about my mother is Blue October's Hate Me. http://www.lyricstop.com/h/hateme-blueoctober.html
It's a weird mix of how I need to feel about her (1st verse) and things I wish she would say to me (2nd verse) and the grief and guilt I feel for not being able to save her(3rd). It doesn't perfectly align but every time I hear it I just start sobbing.
I've tried miserable heap. I sometimes want a bit of miserable heap. Right now I have no time for miserable heap
(hugs) I cry in the shower when I need to as well. I am not good at the "in front of people" thing nowadays. I feel this way about my father and in some ways with my Grandmother.
ReplyDeleteHer passing has made some things worse, but I know it will pass and soon I will not have ot deal with any of them. That brings me great peace. Ironically, it makes us feel better to know we are not the only ones going through these issues with our "rents"..I can't use the full word, because I know my father did not "PARENT" me. I have a small thing for you at my place..come by when you want.;-)