Recovery: It Works!

Wow...

So I have been going to therapy since September and I have dutifully done all the assigned "homework." I have educated myself on the problems of my family of origin (FOO) so that I can physically and mentally extricate myself from them. I've recorded the events of my childhood in my journals and have seen that dysfunction with the perspective of an adult who is also a loving responsible parent.

I've made a lot of changes, some drastic and dramatic, like going No Contact with my mother. That is since November, so... about five months now.

I think I have been changing for the better but sometimes that is hard to see because this process is emotional, stressful, and sometimes depressing. But, the good news is, that I think all this is working in some BIG ways.

Yesterday I noticed that something that would normally trigger my issues just didn't. The kind of thing that would have me second guessing myself all day and/or coming up with upsetting scenarios to stew over... instead, without even trying, I just felt more confident and I felt I had some kind of barrier up (I think we call those Boundaries *wink*) that protected me from taking things to heart.

It was kind of weird. Because I have always been a sensitive person that takes things to heart. I think that being sympathetic and empathetic are positive traits but without strong boundaries I was too easily buffeted by the feelings of other people, which isn't good if they are feeling something mean and selfish and jerky.

As a child I had to raise myself while also catering to the immature emotional needs of a mentally disordered single mother. I became uber-responsible. I was responsible for my own welfare, but I don't really mean that. I mean that I couldn't really make the mistakes that normal kids could. I had to be hyper-aware of my mother's emotional state and so figure out what she needed and wanted from me. That hyper-awareness is hard-wired into my brain now, literally (I've read medical studies about this phenomenon.)

As you might imagine, being hyper-aware, sensitive, sympathetic, empathetic, and uber-responsible makes my social interactions more stressful than they have to be.

But, back to the good news, yesterday I realized things have changed (are changing.) I was able to let go of feeling so responsible. I was journaling about various people in my life and when I got to writing about a certain person who is competitive with me in a not very friendly way I realized that my feelings had changed. I felt kind of sorry for the person, rather than attacked. I (I think) realized the extent of my responsibilities in the relationship and that I don't have the power to make things better. As a child, of course, my only hope was that I could make things better. I thought if I behaved just the right way my mother would act like a mother is supposed to.

But she has her own demons and so do other people. And I am finally letting go of the idea that I can exorcise them with my brilliant behavior.

Wow, this post is so much longer than I thought it would be. Really, I was only planning for like two or three paragraphs. But writing this has been helpful to me. I'm a writer and putting things into words make them more real for me.

Those of you who managed to read to the end, I hope this post offers some... uh, hope that you really can recover from the damages of your childhood. And those of you who had a healthy happy childhood, hopefully, this was at least morbidly interesting. *wink*