Needs

I am going to wait a bit before I post more about Dabrowski, Overexcitabilities and Positive Disintegration.

Yesterday I had my therapy session. It was pretty energizing. I am definitely changing and developing healthier boundaries.

We got to talking about Needs. When I was a kid it was my responsibility to not show that I had any needs, because it would upset my mother if she had to do anything for me. I was also supposed to never say "No" to her needs, going so far as to anticipate her needs so she would not have to voice them.

When my therapist asked me what my needs are I was blank. He asked me what needs I might try to get met through my friendships and I said "none." He was then a bit snarky and said that I am so accomplished that I just don't ever need anyone's help. hmph!

But, I think he was trying to use humor to make a point.

I remember two things close friends have said about me on this subject. One time, in my mid-twenties, I was having a verbal fight with my boyfriend and things got kind of scary. He was storming around and breaking things, it seemed possible he might get violent, then he stormed out of the house. I called my male BFF and asked him to come over and sit with me, in case he came back.

I heard later that he told his girlfriend, 'We have to go right away, it must be really bad. H never asks for help."

It stuck with me because before that I didn't realize that I never asked for help. I just took care of myself.

Then, a few years ago, a good friend told me that I could ask for three times what I asked of people and they still wouldn't think I was asking too much. She told me that people actually liked to be needed. She said that it makes friends closer when there is a mutual feeling of being there to help each other. She said that I help but I never allow anyone to return the favor and that it creates a distance.

She was funny. She gave me homework that whenever I went to someone's house I should ask for a drink. Honestly, even the thought of that was uncomfortable. But I started trying it. Low and behold, nobody got put out that I asked for a drink. (unless I was asking that at my mother or sister's house.)

So today I was trying to do my therapy homework and think about my needs. The only thing I could come up with was that I don't like to be misunderstood. I have a need to communicate my meaning.

That was it. But it is something that drives me to have friends. I do want to connect with people. Unfortunately, while I like to listen to and get to know people I don't always feel comfortable communicating what I am actually thinking. I got burned too many times, both by my age peers in school (apparently I am often thinking something "weird') or by my mother who didn't care and would consistently misinterpret my words and motivations to fit in to her warped view of reality.

So hmmmm... no big surprise why it is so important to me to not be misunderstood.

When Pere came home I asked him what he thinks I need. He said he thinks I need:

To be recognized for my good qualities - intelligence, sense of humor, and goodness. He said I get upset when people like me for what I think are the wrong reasons.

To set things right (injustices, dishonesty)

to bring order to the house and other systems.

I think I can add a few more things to that list. I need:

To live with integrity. (this means that I feel upset when I feel like I am being pressured to behave in a way that goes against my morals and values. My sister just loved to push that button.)

To have time for myself (This is new since being a mom. Taking time to listen to my music, read, write, think, etc)

To have friends in my life that get my jokes, enjoy each other's company, have a meeting of the minds.

That's it. That is all I have for now.

most of those are not things that my friends can do for me. Even the one about being understood... it is not like I can ask for people to understand me. I just have to get better at making myself understood, or deal with being misunderstood. I also can't ask for friends to get my jokes, they either do or they don't.

I don't know... maybe I will come up with some other things.

So, this might be good for you guys to think of. Have you thought about what your needs are? How are you getting them met? Do you need help getting them met? How good are you at asking for help?