Dabrowski's Theory and Existential Depression in Gifted Children and Adults - J. Webb
Although they want to relate to others, gifted individuals often encounter what Arthur Jensen (2004) has described as an intellectual “zone of tolerance”—that is, in order to have a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with another person, that person should be within about plus or minus 20 IQ points of one’s ability level. Outside of that zone, there will be differences in thinking speed and depth or span of interests, which will likely lead to impatience, dissatisfaction, frustration, and tension on the part of each participant.
Gifted children and adults are often surprised to realize that they are different. It is painful when others criticize them for being too idealistic, too serious, too sensitive, too intense, too impatient, or as having too weird a sense of humor. Gifted children, particularly as they enter adolescence, may feel very alone in an absurd, arbitrary, and meaningless world, which they feel powerless to change. They may feel that adults in charge are not worthy of the authority they hold.
As early as first grade, some gifted children, particularly the more highly gifted ones, struggle with these types of existential issues and begin to feel estranged from their peers. When they try to share their existential thoughts and concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. The very fact of children raising such questions is a challenge to tradition and prompts others to withdraw from or reject them. The children soon discover that most other people do not share their concerns but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations. The result for these gifted youngsters is conflict, either within themselves or with those around them. But as George Bernard Shaw once said, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
From an article by M. Gross Social Adjustment in extremely gifted children
Hollingworth (1926) defined the IQ range 125-155 as "socially optimal intelligence" and claimed that above the level of IQ 160 the difference between the exceptionally gifted child and his or her age-mates is so great that it leads to special problems of development which are correlated with social isolation. Hollingworth emphasized however that this isolation did not arise from emotional disturbance, but was caused by the absence of a suitable peer group with whom to relate. When extremely gifted students who had been rejected by age-peers were removed from the inappropriate grade-placement and were permitted to work and play with intellectual peers, the loneliness and social isolation disappeared and the child became accepted as a valued classmate and friend (Hollingworth, 1942).
...choose to underachieve deliberately in an attempt to gain social acceptance by their classmates. In general these attempts meet with limited success, as the moral development, reading interests, leisure pursuits and play preferences of the subject children are too different to permit effective camouflage and the majority of these children are socially rejected, isolated and deeply unhappy.
Social acceptability was also found to be related to the students' level of moral development. In almost all cases, the subjects' scores on the Defining Issues Test were several years beyond the mean for their ages. Those students whose moral reasoning was unusually accelerated, and who were retained in the regular classroom, had the most severe difficulties with social acceptance. Children of similar ages, with similar DIT scores, who had been radically accelerated, were much more likely to be accepted and valued by their classmates.
From the Wikipedia page on Intellectual Giftedness
Isolation is one of the main challenges faced by gifted individuals, especially those with no social network of gifted peers. In order to gain popularity, gifted children will often try to hide their abilities to win social approval. Strategies include underachievement (discussed below) and the use of less sophisticated vocabulary when among same-age peers than when among family members or other trusted individuals.[13]
The isolation experienced by gifted individuals may not be caused by giftedness itself, but by society's response to giftedness. Plucker and Levy have noted that, "in this culture, there appears to be a great pressure for people to be 'normal' with a considerable stigma associated with giftedness or talent."[14] To counteract this problem, gifted education professionals recommend creating a peer group based on common interests and abilities. The earlier this occurs, the more effective it is likely to be in preventing isolation.[15]
For Females in Particular
Intellectually Gifted Women
Some gifted individuals are almost painfully perceptive and sensitive. At its best, this quality this may lead to startling insights and increased empathy. It can also leave a woman overly sensitive to criticism. A gifted woman may be bored by or impatient with things that interest her friends; she may feel she doesn’t fit in. She may wonder if the answer lies in therapy or medication. To make her content without expressing her brilliance; to make her ‘like everybody else’.
An interview with Karen Noble , author of The Sound of a Silver Horn. (it has some good news)
"Change has to come in terms of both social evolution and individual. Most of the women I work with who are gifted deny that they are, or are totally embarrassed to admit it. It seems I am always teaching women about the characteristics of giftedness, and asking them to look at themselves: 'Even if you don't want to admit this out loud because you think it's immodest or because you're embarrassed, at least in your own heart of hearts admit what you're dealing with.'
"That's absolutely crucial to do, because I think in order to take one's own life seriously, which includes making decisions about how that life is going to unfold, whether it's going to include partners or children, or what kind of work, you have to see life as a deliberate quest."
The starting point, Dr. Noble declares, "is always self-awareness, which is not narcissism. And for gifted women, that absolutely includes the recognition of giftedness, because most women who are gifted, as you well know, think they're freaks, and feel horribly different -- isolated, alienated, ostracized, 'What's wrong with me?'
Isolation seems to be a common issue for gifted women, Dr. Noble feels. "And part of the isolation has to do with introversion. Not all, certainly, but I'd say the majority of gifted women are introverted.
"Another thing is that part of giftedness involves an affective awareness. Not a hundred percent of the time, but a lot of gifted women have intense radar; they're very psychic, and that can intensify introversion, if you withdraw from crowds because you always feel raw, or pick up too much energy. So if you do have that kind of sensitivity, you really have to honor it, and respect it, and learn how to choose those energies that nourish you and avoid those that drain you. That's hard. We're learning all the time.
"In terms of finding peers, you have to realize it is hard, and you have to work at it. Barbara Kerr, bless her heart, she's such a sweety and so smart, one of the things she talks in her book "Smart Girls, Gifted Women" about falling in love with an idea, and how important that is. And I think it comes from falling in love with ideas, broadly construed, that brings people into contact with kindred spirits. I don't think you can necessarily join a health club and sit at the coffee bar. But if you focus on ideas and the things you love, you're more likely to attract a kindred spirit. "
(Noble brings up a lot of interesting ideas in her article, I recommend it for anyone who cares about gifted women.)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
introverted part deux
Thanks to everyone for responding to my questions. I find it very interesting how many of us do feel pressure to entertain, to make everyone else feel at ease and to be "on" even when we are on the more introverted side of the scale.
I would like to respond to your comments here:
Forte - You didn't say if you are introverted or extroverted. I am wondering how much if this is socialized gender roles, being a "hostess" is a female/feminine quality. It could be that the men I mostly hang around with (I can think of a few exceptions) are Introverts, but this feeling of being responsible for the flow of conversation and the happiness of the group seems like more of a problem for women.
Kate - Good for you! I can almost never bring myself to bail. The feeling of "letting people down" hangs to heavily over me. Again, I can see this is an issue with me feeling overly responsible. I should make a point to take care of myself (and my immediate family.) I don't think I would be in danger of becoming too self-centered. I bet you are the same.
Mariposa - I have met you and you do seem very self-contained. I admire that. It was my stressful childhood that probably led me to feeling overly-responsible. Now that I am dealing with those issues I am starting to see that I need to take steps to be responsible for my own mental health and happiness. YKWIM?
Elizabeth - I am totally with you regarding family outings. As a homeschooler I never really enjoyed going on group field trips. I prefer to do things like that on our own schedule. My husband and Zoe are perfect to be with. When we add other people to the mix I start to stress about their enjoyment, happiness, level of interest, etc.
Alycia - So... would you say that you feel energized after spending time with people (outside of your family)? I am an introvert but not too far from extrovert on the Myers Brigg Personality Test. I look forward hanging out with my friends and I continue to seek them out for social calls. But I do get over-stimulated and it takes awhile for me to calm down to an even keel.
Shaun - I could have written this exactly! Even the parts about our husbands. Sometimes when I have parties I realize Pere has been missing for awhile and I find him "resting" in our bedroom. LOL. I think level of intelligence has a lot to do with my being able to enjoy spending time with someone. That and if they are actually a friendly and nice person. I still feel it is worth all kinds of jangled nerves to be able to get together with a group of really smart/funny people. I look forward to that yearly gathering. *hint hint*
I would like to respond to your comments here:
Forte - You didn't say if you are introverted or extroverted. I am wondering how much if this is socialized gender roles, being a "hostess" is a female/feminine quality. It could be that the men I mostly hang around with (I can think of a few exceptions) are Introverts, but this feeling of being responsible for the flow of conversation and the happiness of the group seems like more of a problem for women.
Kate - Good for you! I can almost never bring myself to bail. The feeling of "letting people down" hangs to heavily over me. Again, I can see this is an issue with me feeling overly responsible. I should make a point to take care of myself (and my immediate family.) I don't think I would be in danger of becoming too self-centered. I bet you are the same.
Mariposa - I have met you and you do seem very self-contained. I admire that. It was my stressful childhood that probably led me to feeling overly-responsible. Now that I am dealing with those issues I am starting to see that I need to take steps to be responsible for my own mental health and happiness. YKWIM?
Elizabeth - I am totally with you regarding family outings. As a homeschooler I never really enjoyed going on group field trips. I prefer to do things like that on our own schedule. My husband and Zoe are perfect to be with. When we add other people to the mix I start to stress about their enjoyment, happiness, level of interest, etc.
Alycia - So... would you say that you feel energized after spending time with people (outside of your family)? I am an introvert but not too far from extrovert on the Myers Brigg Personality Test. I look forward hanging out with my friends and I continue to seek them out for social calls. But I do get over-stimulated and it takes awhile for me to calm down to an even keel.
Shaun - I could have written this exactly! Even the parts about our husbands. Sometimes when I have parties I realize Pere has been missing for awhile and I find him "resting" in our bedroom. LOL. I think level of intelligence has a lot to do with my being able to enjoy spending time with someone. That and if they are actually a friendly and nice person. I still feel it is worth all kinds of jangled nerves to be able to get together with a group of really smart/funny people. I look forward to that yearly gathering. *hint hint*
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Introverted
I never really thought of myself as introverted because I enjoy hanging out with people I really like and I have a need for intellectual conversations.
I have read that Introverts feel drained after spending time with groups, big and small. I don't feel drained so I thought I wasn't an introvert.
What I feel is over-stimulated, nerves jangled, and kind of stressed. It takes me 30 - 120 minutes to find my calm after spending time with people outside of my small family.
I have to wonder how much of that is because I am introverted and how much is from my stressful childhood that caused me to become hyper-vigilant and uber-responsible.
I guess we will see. My new idea is to be more aware of how I am feeling in social situations. I am going to try to be more inward focussed, let adults take care of themselves, stop feeling like it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
Imagine a bucket of energy - when I go into a social situation I often ladle out the energy for everyone else (more than they ask for), leaving the bucket dry for myself. I don't know if I am explaining it right... I think of that quote from The Lord of the Rings "Like butter spread over too much bread"
When I have to hang out with people I have nothing in common with... I try anyway. I want to be polite and follow the social conventions. But I kind of admire people who know themselves well enough to be apart and separate. When I go off and be quiet by myself I feel guilty. So, another new thing I am going to try is letting myself be quiet in those situations.
How about you? Are you shy? Are you self-contained? Do you feel like you have to talk to make people comfortable? Do you feel it is your responsibility to be entertaining?
p.s. There may have been something wrong with my comments. I hope I fixed it.
I have read that Introverts feel drained after spending time with groups, big and small. I don't feel drained so I thought I wasn't an introvert.
What I feel is over-stimulated, nerves jangled, and kind of stressed. It takes me 30 - 120 minutes to find my calm after spending time with people outside of my small family.
I have to wonder how much of that is because I am introverted and how much is from my stressful childhood that caused me to become hyper-vigilant and uber-responsible.
I guess we will see. My new idea is to be more aware of how I am feeling in social situations. I am going to try to be more inward focussed, let adults take care of themselves, stop feeling like it is my responsibility to make everyone happy.
Imagine a bucket of energy - when I go into a social situation I often ladle out the energy for everyone else (more than they ask for), leaving the bucket dry for myself. I don't know if I am explaining it right... I think of that quote from The Lord of the Rings "Like butter spread over too much bread"
When I have to hang out with people I have nothing in common with... I try anyway. I want to be polite and follow the social conventions. But I kind of admire people who know themselves well enough to be apart and separate. When I go off and be quiet by myself I feel guilty. So, another new thing I am going to try is letting myself be quiet in those situations.
How about you? Are you shy? Are you self-contained? Do you feel like you have to talk to make people comfortable? Do you feel it is your responsibility to be entertaining?
p.s. There may have been something wrong with my comments. I hope I fixed it.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Summer Curriculum
Walks
Take a walk by the river
Take a walk to the park
Take Nature Walk
Take a pick-up-the-trash walk
Take a flower walk and press the flowers
Identify the trees on our street
Identify the trees in the park
Go on a shape walk
Outside
Go bike riding
Play catch
Play basketball
Play croqeut
Draw with chalk
Have water gun fight
Go on a bug hunt
Blow Bubbles
Clean up the garage
Outings
Go bowling
Go to the Zoo
Go to the library
Go to Health Works
Go to the Chocolate Factory
Go fishing
In the House
Play a board games
Play a card game
Read Aloud
Tackle a cleaning project
Color together
Do Art project
Do Origami
Do a craft
Do a science project
Play a math game
Teach her how to do one of the things on my list (skills like lighting the stove or a candle)
Paint nails
Do a makeover
Do each other's hair
Make a scavenger hunt
Make a scrap book
Bake
Write a letter to a friend
Read a poem and make a poem recipe
Draw something we see
Write in a journal
Do Rosetta Stone together
Make an obstacle course
Make a movie
Make a podcast
Create a collage
Draw the family tree
Act out a play
Write a fairy tale
Start a blog
Play chess
Work on a puzzle
Build a lego construction
Do yoga
Play the piano
Sing your songs
Make something out of felt
Play finger string games
Do coloring book
Do activity book
Play hanged man
Draw a self portrait
Dance the disco
Video tape an interview
Make jewelry
Write to each other in code language
Do something secret and nice for a friend
Dress up Charlotte
Make a book and illustrate it
Answer questions from the question box
Take a walk by the river
Take a walk to the park
Take Nature Walk
Take a pick-up-the-trash walk
Take a flower walk and press the flowers
Identify the trees on our street
Identify the trees in the park
Go on a shape walk
Outside
Go bike riding
Play catch
Play basketball
Play croqeut
Draw with chalk
Have water gun fight
Go on a bug hunt
Blow Bubbles
Clean up the garage
Outings
Go bowling
Go to the Zoo
Go to the library
Go to Health Works
Go to the Chocolate Factory
Go fishing
In the House
Play a board games
Play a card game
Read Aloud
Tackle a cleaning project
Color together
Do Art project
Do Origami
Do a craft
Do a science project
Play a math game
Teach her how to do one of the things on my list (skills like lighting the stove or a candle)
Paint nails
Do a makeover
Do each other's hair
Make a scavenger hunt
Make a scrap book
Bake
Write a letter to a friend
Read a poem and make a poem recipe
Draw something we see
Write in a journal
Do Rosetta Stone together
Make an obstacle course
Make a movie
Make a podcast
Create a collage
Draw the family tree
Act out a play
Write a fairy tale
Start a blog
Play chess
Work on a puzzle
Build a lego construction
Do yoga
Play the piano
Sing your songs
Make something out of felt
Play finger string games
Do coloring book
Do activity book
Play hanged man
Draw a self portrait
Dance the disco
Video tape an interview
Make jewelry
Write to each other in code language
Do something secret and nice for a friend
Dress up Charlotte
Make a book and illustrate it
Answer questions from the question box
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
what I am not talking about
So I am not writing because nothing is going on here that I'm ready to write about.
It is still up in the air as to what is going on with my mother-in-law's health.
We are NOT on a cruise ship in Europe now. And yes, we were supposed to be. But we want to be here in the states right now.
So I am not on a cruise and I am not in L.A. I am here, waiting, wondering worrying.
I had three whole days of not thinking about my mom or my sister. Then I found out this afternoon that my nephew's graduation party is this Sunday. Guess who didn't get an invitation? And yes... they know we are in town.
Okay... *deep breath* ,the sun is shining, I have nice friends, Pere made homemade eclairs the other night, Zoe is safe, she'll get to sing in the choir performance, my niece is safe back in Florida,
and, if my sister really doesn't invite me then I don't have to pretend to be nice to her anymore... small reward.
It is still up in the air as to what is going on with my mother-in-law's health.
We are NOT on a cruise ship in Europe now. And yes, we were supposed to be. But we want to be here in the states right now.
So I am not on a cruise and I am not in L.A. I am here, waiting, wondering worrying.
I had three whole days of not thinking about my mom or my sister. Then I found out this afternoon that my nephew's graduation party is this Sunday. Guess who didn't get an invitation? And yes... they know we are in town.
Okay... *deep breath* ,the sun is shining, I have nice friends, Pere made homemade eclairs the other night, Zoe is safe, she'll get to sing in the choir performance, my niece is safe back in Florida,
and, if my sister really doesn't invite me then I don't have to pretend to be nice to her anymore... small reward.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
rollercoaster day
Today was a rollercoaster of emotions.
First I learned that my really good friend's husband lost his job. I was totally shocked and it stressed me out so much I got nauseous.
Then a couple hours later I found out that my mother-in-law remains cancer free (there had been a worry for the last week.) That was a BIG worry that I am so so thankful to let go of.
Then my sister called and wanted to come over and take some chairs my mother had asked me to store for her. Nothing happened. I think I am starting to feel stronger as far as my sister goes.
Then, within like 20 minutes Zoe went from fine to crying and grabbing her ear in pain. I was lucky enough to get her into her pediatrician real quick and we found out she has an ear infection. :( This is her first one. She was in SO much pain. That was really stressful. I hate when there is nothing I can do to make her better.
But her medicine took effect and her ear stopped hurting, it just made her tired.
Then we went to our friends house for the last night of hanging out for awhile and that was really fun and nice.
Now I am watching the Lakers Rockets games and the Lakers are doing really poorly. Like yelling lots of obscenities at the T.V. poorly. I really hope I can update with better news later tonight.
But, of course, what really matters is having your health. Everything else is just part of the ride.
First I learned that my really good friend's husband lost his job. I was totally shocked and it stressed me out so much I got nauseous.
Then a couple hours later I found out that my mother-in-law remains cancer free (there had been a worry for the last week.) That was a BIG worry that I am so so thankful to let go of.
Then my sister called and wanted to come over and take some chairs my mother had asked me to store for her. Nothing happened. I think I am starting to feel stronger as far as my sister goes.
Then, within like 20 minutes Zoe went from fine to crying and grabbing her ear in pain. I was lucky enough to get her into her pediatrician real quick and we found out she has an ear infection. :( This is her first one. She was in SO much pain. That was really stressful. I hate when there is nothing I can do to make her better.
But her medicine took effect and her ear stopped hurting, it just made her tired.
Then we went to our friends house for the last night of hanging out for awhile and that was really fun and nice.
Now I am watching the Lakers Rockets games and the Lakers are doing really poorly. Like yelling lots of obscenities at the T.V. poorly. I really hope I can update with better news later tonight.
But, of course, what really matters is having your health. Everything else is just part of the ride.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Busy Week and Scheduling
We have a busy but fun plans this week.
Last night was the birthday party of our neighbor. There was cake and wine and trampolining for the kids.
Today we have a playdate and a final visit from my niece and her son.
Tomorrow is pizza and board games with friends in the evening.
Thursday is our last roleplaying game session in May.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday we will be getting ready for our trip.
In between all the fun I am trying to figure out Zoe's curriculum for the Fall and participating in an online seminar for gifted kids.
As for the former... I will be using Singapore and Life of Fred for Math, definitely Michael Clay Thompson and probably Lightning Literature for Language Arts.
I'm having some issues with History and Science that I haven't found the answers for yet.
We are using A History of US for history, the 11 volume set and the teaching guide. I've seen that some do 3 or so chapters a day, and there are about 42 chapters per book, so 14 lessons per book x 11 books.
We can't do that many chapters a day and still do the activities in the teacher's guide. And Zoe really gets a lot out of the questions and cross-disciplinary activities.
The way we do it now is one chapter a day four days a week... so doing that math... it's going to take us a long long long time to finish these books.
Science... I like Singapore Science. I think Zoe needs harder books. But, I have this thing where I am afraid to skip ahead in case she misses some important concept. Now that I write that down it sounds really stupid... but that is how I feel. She will finish her new science books in 8 weeks. I was doing the science books that were at the same grade level as her math. But math is her (relatively) weakest subject and she is a stronger and more interested in science. So, obviously I need to make a change there.
But my biggest and most tummy ache inducing choice is whether to have her do more school work, the same amount of school work, or less school work.
As kids get older they tend to do more. She is at a level where there is more to do. Plus she has her extra curricular activities and both her music and Japanese teachers want her to do even more this year - competitions, tests, etc.
BUT , she is 8. Ahhhh... the trials of asynchrony!
Every year she gets older and I just want to drag her back in time. So my thoughts go "She can do so much, who am I to hold her back?" and then "She will only be young once. What is the point of moving forward so quickly." (as if I have any choice in the matter)
I feel like everyone will side with my second argument, except people in India and China, Richard Freeman and the guy who made 2 Million Minutes - or check it out on youtube.
I know you guys will laugh at me for thinking about this stuff. But I do. It is part of my uber-responsibility complex.
Last night was the birthday party of our neighbor. There was cake and wine and trampolining for the kids.
Today we have a playdate and a final visit from my niece and her son.
Tomorrow is pizza and board games with friends in the evening.
Thursday is our last roleplaying game session in May.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday we will be getting ready for our trip.
In between all the fun I am trying to figure out Zoe's curriculum for the Fall and participating in an online seminar for gifted kids.
As for the former... I will be using Singapore and Life of Fred for Math, definitely Michael Clay Thompson and probably Lightning Literature for Language Arts.
I'm having some issues with History and Science that I haven't found the answers for yet.
We are using A History of US for history, the 11 volume set and the teaching guide. I've seen that some do 3 or so chapters a day, and there are about 42 chapters per book, so 14 lessons per book x 11 books.
We can't do that many chapters a day and still do the activities in the teacher's guide. And Zoe really gets a lot out of the questions and cross-disciplinary activities.
The way we do it now is one chapter a day four days a week... so doing that math... it's going to take us a long long long time to finish these books.
Science... I like Singapore Science. I think Zoe needs harder books. But, I have this thing where I am afraid to skip ahead in case she misses some important concept. Now that I write that down it sounds really stupid... but that is how I feel. She will finish her new science books in 8 weeks. I was doing the science books that were at the same grade level as her math. But math is her (relatively) weakest subject and she is a stronger and more interested in science. So, obviously I need to make a change there.
But my biggest and most tummy ache inducing choice is whether to have her do more school work, the same amount of school work, or less school work.
As kids get older they tend to do more. She is at a level where there is more to do. Plus she has her extra curricular activities and both her music and Japanese teachers want her to do even more this year - competitions, tests, etc.
BUT , she is 8. Ahhhh... the trials of asynchrony!
Every year she gets older and I just want to drag her back in time. So my thoughts go "She can do so much, who am I to hold her back?" and then "She will only be young once. What is the point of moving forward so quickly." (as if I have any choice in the matter)
I feel like everyone will side with my second argument, except people in India and China, Richard Freeman and the guy who made 2 Million Minutes - or check it out on youtube.
I know you guys will laugh at me for thinking about this stuff. But I do. It is part of my uber-responsibility complex.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Name Game
So I have this weird Name Coincidence thingy that's been going on in my life.
I have had 6 serious boyfriends since high school (counting husband Brian) their names were
Brian
Jay
Alex
Ray
Alex
Brian
????
I also have a sister whom we call Susie and a step-sister named Suzanne.
I have a nephew named Kurt and a step-brother named Curt
I have a step-brother and a brother-in-law named David
I had a step-sister named Kellee (she passed away) and a sister-in-law named Kelly.
My best friend growing up was Elizabeth, which is also my sister's name.
There is more, other weird name doubling...
Just a Strange Fact for Monday.
I have had 6 serious boyfriends since high school (counting husband Brian) their names were
Brian
Jay
Alex
Ray
Alex
Brian
????
I also have a sister whom we call Susie and a step-sister named Suzanne.
I have a nephew named Kurt and a step-brother named Curt
I have a step-brother and a brother-in-law named David
I had a step-sister named Kellee (she passed away) and a sister-in-law named Kelly.
My best friend growing up was Elizabeth, which is also my sister's name.
There is more, other weird name doubling...
Just a Strange Fact for Monday.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother of the Year Award
Thank you Kate in NJ for giving me the Mother of the Year award.
But wait, before I can accept I have to follow the rules:
Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are No Longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!
I feel awful when something I say makes Zoe feel bad about herself. Not guilty or shameful in a healthy normal way that people are supposed to feel when we know we have done something wrong. But, when something I say makes her feel like she is not a good person. I never mean to do it and, when I have, I always try to take it back and convince her that is not what I meant. Because she is a really really good person.
Next....Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!
1. How much Zoe and I laugh together. We crack each other up all the time.
2. I love being amazed by her.
3. I love lying with her in bed, after prayer and story time. She talks to me about her day then and shares her secret thought.
4. I am very gratified that she loves homeschooling so much.
5. I love our habit of reading aloud to her.
6. I love her sweetness. She really is a joy.
7. Being a mother is a challenge that has made me a much better person and I am so thankful for that.
Send this to seven other Moms of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you've selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you.
Well, other than my online friends (Mariposa, Kate, Shaun, Alli, Nina) who have already been given this much deserved award I want to send this out to some IRL friends:
Jeanette
Veronica
Loraine
Wendy
Alice
Jaime
and my mother-in-law Anne
But wait, before I can accept I have to follow the rules:
Admit one thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are No Longer allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a good mom!
I feel awful when something I say makes Zoe feel bad about herself. Not guilty or shameful in a healthy normal way that people are supposed to feel when we know we have done something wrong. But, when something I say makes her feel like she is not a good person. I never mean to do it and, when I have, I always try to take it back and convince her that is not what I meant. Because she is a really really good person.
Next....Remind yourself you are a good mom, list seven things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself everyday that you Rock!
1. How much Zoe and I laugh together. We crack each other up all the time.
2. I love being amazed by her.
3. I love lying with her in bed, after prayer and story time. She talks to me about her day then and shares her secret thought.
4. I am very gratified that she loves homeschooling so much.
5. I love our habit of reading aloud to her.
6. I love her sweetness. She really is a joy.
7. Being a mother is a challenge that has made me a much better person and I am so thankful for that.
Send this to seven other Moms of the year that deserve credit for being great moms and remind them that they are the best moms they can be!! Remember to send them a note to let them know you've selected them, and add a link to the person who nominated you.
Well, other than my online friends (Mariposa, Kate, Shaun, Alli, Nina) who have already been given this much deserved award I want to send this out to some IRL friends:
Jeanette
Veronica
Loraine
Wendy
Alice
Jaime
and my mother-in-law Anne
Friday, May 8, 2009
Self-Care
I like to think I am a very strong person, Nigh Invulnerable, if you will. But I have been foolishly depleting my reserves.
I have been staying up till 1 or 2 every night. And I still get up at 7:30. I keep forgetting to have my protein shake before bed, which means a slow decline during the late night, spiraling negativity and nightmares during my sleep, then shaky, barely-keeping-it-together zombification until breakfast raises my blood sugar.
I had been crying almost every day... *sigh* this has been prescribed. One of the stages of recovery is grief (not my favorite stage, let me tell you) and apparently I have to let myself feel bad about the loss of a relationship with my mother before I can feel better. (therapy logic makes me go "grrrrr")
Other things have been pretty stressful too. My mother-in-law was ill and taken to emergency room. That was shocking and scary. And it is hard to be so far away.
My niece is graduating and I keep thinking about her mother Kellee who passed away in 2000. There is a lot of regret there... I didn't see her enough before she passed away.
Tomorrow I am hosting a party for my niece. I am very proud of her and very happy to do it. But I am worried about seeing my mother. It breaks my heart every time I happen to catch a glimpse of her. I was raised to be her version of a "good" daughter, who always put her welfare and needs above my own. And it feels like the only way I have been able to start recovering from her abuse is to be totally removed from her presence.
When my niece moves back to Florida next week my plan is to cut off entirely from my mother (which also means my step-father.) And yes, that is a very sad. But, right now, I don't see another choice. She wont change and I can't be in that same relationship with her.
This is something I have been trying to grieve over. But it is very hard for me to cry about this stuff in front of anyone. So I have been crying in the shower, and other times I am alone, like when I am ironing or doing the dishes. But even then, it is all too overwhelming and I can only take it for a few moments before I have to reign it back it.
It kind of sucks sometimes... having to be nigh invulnerable.
The lack of sleep, the crying, the party... it's making me want to crawl into a small dark cave and sleep until the Springtime of my soul arrives to renew me.
Don't worry too much about me though. I am not sharing any of this to worry you. Life is life. Somethings we never really get over. But I really am a very strong person. And, kind of crazily proactive. I was never willing to be unhappy or unhealthy. I have been fixing up my life and making it better and better all along. And, honestly, I have SO much to be grateful for and when I open my eyes to that I see it's already Springtime. Everyday I hear the birds singing.
I have been staying up till 1 or 2 every night. And I still get up at 7:30. I keep forgetting to have my protein shake before bed, which means a slow decline during the late night, spiraling negativity and nightmares during my sleep, then shaky, barely-keeping-it-together zombification until breakfast raises my blood sugar.
I had been crying almost every day... *sigh* this has been prescribed. One of the stages of recovery is grief (not my favorite stage, let me tell you) and apparently I have to let myself feel bad about the loss of a relationship with my mother before I can feel better. (therapy logic makes me go "grrrrr")
Other things have been pretty stressful too. My mother-in-law was ill and taken to emergency room. That was shocking and scary. And it is hard to be so far away.
My niece is graduating and I keep thinking about her mother Kellee who passed away in 2000. There is a lot of regret there... I didn't see her enough before she passed away.
Tomorrow I am hosting a party for my niece. I am very proud of her and very happy to do it. But I am worried about seeing my mother. It breaks my heart every time I happen to catch a glimpse of her. I was raised to be her version of a "good" daughter, who always put her welfare and needs above my own. And it feels like the only way I have been able to start recovering from her abuse is to be totally removed from her presence.
When my niece moves back to Florida next week my plan is to cut off entirely from my mother (which also means my step-father.) And yes, that is a very sad. But, right now, I don't see another choice. She wont change and I can't be in that same relationship with her.
This is something I have been trying to grieve over. But it is very hard for me to cry about this stuff in front of anyone. So I have been crying in the shower, and other times I am alone, like when I am ironing or doing the dishes. But even then, it is all too overwhelming and I can only take it for a few moments before I have to reign it back it.
It kind of sucks sometimes... having to be nigh invulnerable.
The lack of sleep, the crying, the party... it's making me want to crawl into a small dark cave and sleep until the Springtime of my soul arrives to renew me.
Don't worry too much about me though. I am not sharing any of this to worry you. Life is life. Somethings we never really get over. But I really am a very strong person. And, kind of crazily proactive. I was never willing to be unhappy or unhealthy. I have been fixing up my life and making it better and better all along. And, honestly, I have SO much to be grateful for and when I open my eyes to that I see it's already Springtime. Everyday I hear the birds singing.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Introverted Thinking Aided by Intuition
Here is Pere's... wow, so true.
Main Characteristics
INTPs exhibit the greatest precision in thought and language of all the types; they tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies in thought and language instantaneously. The one word which captures the unique style of INTPs is architect - the architect of ideas and systems as well as the architect of edifices. This type is found in only 1 percent of the population and therefore is not encountered as frequently as some of the other types.
INTPs detect contradictions in statements no matter how distant in space or time the contradictory statements were produced. The intellectual scanning of INTPs has a principled quality; that is, INTPs search for whatever is relevant and pertinent to the issue at hand. Consequently, INTPs can concentrate better than any other type.
Authority derived from office, position, or wide acceptance does not impress INTPs. Only statements that are logical and coherent carry weight. External authority per se is irrelevant. INTPs abhor redundancy and incoherence. Possessing a desire to understand the universe, an INTP is constantly looking for natural law. Curiosity concerning these keys to the universe is a driving force in this type.
INTPs prize intelligence in themselves and in others, but can become intellectual dilettantes as a result of their need too amass ideas, principles, or understanding of behavior. And once they know something, it is remembered. INTPs can become obsessed with analysis. Once caught up in a thought process, that thought process seems to have a will of its own for INTPs, and they persevere until the issue is comprehended in all its complexity. They can be intellectual snobs and may show impatience at times with others less endowed intellectually. This quality, INTPs find, generates hostility and defensive behavior on the part of others, who may describe an INTP as arrogant.
For INTPs, the world exists primarily to be understood. Reality is trivial, a mere arena for proving ideas. It is essential that the universe is understood and that whatever is stated about the universe is stated correctly, with coherence and without redundancy. This is the INTPs final purpose. It matters not whether others understand or accept his or her truths.
Career
The INTP is the logician, the mathematician, the philosopher, the scientist; any pursuit requiring architecture of ideas intrigues this type. INTP's should not, however, be asked to work out the implementation or application of their models to the real world.
The INTP is the architect of a system and leaves it to others to be the builder and the applicator. Very often therefore, the INTP's work is not credited to him or her. The builder and the applier gains fame and fortune, while the INTP's name remains obscure. Appreciation of an INTP's theoretical work frequently comes posthumously - or the work may never be removed from library shelves at all and thus lost.
INTP's tend not to be writers or to go into sales work. They are, however, often excellent teachers, particularly for advanced students, although INTP's do not always enjoy much popularity, for they can be hard taskmasters. They are not good at clerical tasks and are impatient with routine details. They prefer to work quietly, without interruption, and often alone. If an organization is to use the talents of an INTP appropriately, the INTP must be given an efficient support staff who can capture ideas as they emerge and before the INTP loses interest and turns to another idea.
Our "architect" is not merely a designer of buildings. There is the architect of ideas (the philosopher), the architect of number systems (the mathematician), the architect of computer languages (the programmer), and on and on. In short, abstract design is the forte of the architect and coherence is the primary issue.
Home
INTP's take their mating relationship seriously and usually are faithful and devoted - albeit preoccupied at times. They are not likely to welcome constant social activity or disorganization in the home. In all probability, the mate of an INTP will initiate and manage the social life. If left to his or her own devices the INTP mate will retreat into the world of books and emerge only when physical needs become imperative. INTP's are, however, willing, compliant, and easy to live with, although somewhat forgetful of appointments, anniversaries, and rituals of daily living unless reminded. They may have difficulty expressing their emotions verbally, and the mate of an INTP may believe that he/she is somewhat taken for granted. As a parent, the INTP is devoted; they enjoy children, and are serious about their upbringing. The home of an INTP parent is usually calm, low-key in discipline, but well run and ordered. [editors note: LOL]
INTP's deal with the environment primarily through intuition, and their strongest quality, the thinking function, remains relatively hidden except in close associations. Therefore, INTP's are often misunderstood, seen as difficult to know, and seldom perceived at their true level of competency. They are inclined to be shy except when with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. They are very adaptable until one of their principles is violated. Then INTP's are not adaptable at all! They may have difficulty in being understood by others because they tend to think in a complicated fashion and want to be precise, never redundant in their communications. Because their feeling qualities may be underdeveloped, they may be insensitive to the wants and wishes of others, often unaware of the existence of these wants and wishes.
Mid-life
At mid-life the INTP might do well to work on increasing awareness of emotional responses, responding to the value preferences of others, and verbalizing to others the INTP's awareness of these values. At mid-life one of the tasks of the INTP is to develop an ability to play for play's sake; not to learn something or to somehow improve a skill. Working on the sensual side of his or her nature may provide a source of new pleasure and excitement.
Mates
Why would this abstractionist find the ESFJ "seller" attractive? Think broadly of selling. This amounts to persuading another to receive something of value to the receiver. The seller is essentially caring for the receiver (quite apart from the fact that the receiver pays). This is the essential attitude of the ESFJ seller, and this attitude is perceptible to the receiver (buyer); he feels this nourishing approach. That is what is attractive to the INTP architect-philosopher - the nourishment which anchors him to the real world.
What attracts the ESFJ "seller"? Here is a person who, like a balloon filled with hydrogen, is likely to escape the earth (in his abstract attitude). He needs to have a string attached so that he can be hauled down to earth now and then. In a sense, he needs to be "sold on reality," so indifferent is he to it.
The INTP also has a second likely target to attract him: the ENFJ "pedagogue." What is a pedagogue? A catalyst of the growth process, someone who has that uncanny ability to "bring out" the other, to activate the differentiation or "unfolding" process in the learner. All NFs seem to have this capability in some degree and the accompanying desire to exercise it, but the ENFJ seems to have it in abundance. This relationship - the ENFJ-INTP - can be "deep and meaningful" for the former and anchoring in a charismatic way for the latter.
Main Characteristics
INTPs exhibit the greatest precision in thought and language of all the types; they tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies in thought and language instantaneously. The one word which captures the unique style of INTPs is architect - the architect of ideas and systems as well as the architect of edifices. This type is found in only 1 percent of the population and therefore is not encountered as frequently as some of the other types.
INTPs detect contradictions in statements no matter how distant in space or time the contradictory statements were produced. The intellectual scanning of INTPs has a principled quality; that is, INTPs search for whatever is relevant and pertinent to the issue at hand. Consequently, INTPs can concentrate better than any other type.
Authority derived from office, position, or wide acceptance does not impress INTPs. Only statements that are logical and coherent carry weight. External authority per se is irrelevant. INTPs abhor redundancy and incoherence. Possessing a desire to understand the universe, an INTP is constantly looking for natural law. Curiosity concerning these keys to the universe is a driving force in this type.
INTPs prize intelligence in themselves and in others, but can become intellectual dilettantes as a result of their need too amass ideas, principles, or understanding of behavior. And once they know something, it is remembered. INTPs can become obsessed with analysis. Once caught up in a thought process, that thought process seems to have a will of its own for INTPs, and they persevere until the issue is comprehended in all its complexity. They can be intellectual snobs and may show impatience at times with others less endowed intellectually. This quality, INTPs find, generates hostility and defensive behavior on the part of others, who may describe an INTP as arrogant.
For INTPs, the world exists primarily to be understood. Reality is trivial, a mere arena for proving ideas. It is essential that the universe is understood and that whatever is stated about the universe is stated correctly, with coherence and without redundancy. This is the INTPs final purpose. It matters not whether others understand or accept his or her truths.
Career
The INTP is the logician, the mathematician, the philosopher, the scientist; any pursuit requiring architecture of ideas intrigues this type. INTP's should not, however, be asked to work out the implementation or application of their models to the real world.
The INTP is the architect of a system and leaves it to others to be the builder and the applicator. Very often therefore, the INTP's work is not credited to him or her. The builder and the applier gains fame and fortune, while the INTP's name remains obscure. Appreciation of an INTP's theoretical work frequently comes posthumously - or the work may never be removed from library shelves at all and thus lost.
INTP's tend not to be writers or to go into sales work. They are, however, often excellent teachers, particularly for advanced students, although INTP's do not always enjoy much popularity, for they can be hard taskmasters. They are not good at clerical tasks and are impatient with routine details. They prefer to work quietly, without interruption, and often alone. If an organization is to use the talents of an INTP appropriately, the INTP must be given an efficient support staff who can capture ideas as they emerge and before the INTP loses interest and turns to another idea.
Our "architect" is not merely a designer of buildings. There is the architect of ideas (the philosopher), the architect of number systems (the mathematician), the architect of computer languages (the programmer), and on and on. In short, abstract design is the forte of the architect and coherence is the primary issue.
Home
INTP's take their mating relationship seriously and usually are faithful and devoted - albeit preoccupied at times. They are not likely to welcome constant social activity or disorganization in the home. In all probability, the mate of an INTP will initiate and manage the social life. If left to his or her own devices the INTP mate will retreat into the world of books and emerge only when physical needs become imperative. INTP's are, however, willing, compliant, and easy to live with, although somewhat forgetful of appointments, anniversaries, and rituals of daily living unless reminded. They may have difficulty expressing their emotions verbally, and the mate of an INTP may believe that he/she is somewhat taken for granted. As a parent, the INTP is devoted; they enjoy children, and are serious about their upbringing. The home of an INTP parent is usually calm, low-key in discipline, but well run and ordered. [editors note: LOL]
INTP's deal with the environment primarily through intuition, and their strongest quality, the thinking function, remains relatively hidden except in close associations. Therefore, INTP's are often misunderstood, seen as difficult to know, and seldom perceived at their true level of competency. They are inclined to be shy except when with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. They are very adaptable until one of their principles is violated. Then INTP's are not adaptable at all! They may have difficulty in being understood by others because they tend to think in a complicated fashion and want to be precise, never redundant in their communications. Because their feeling qualities may be underdeveloped, they may be insensitive to the wants and wishes of others, often unaware of the existence of these wants and wishes.
Mid-life
At mid-life the INTP might do well to work on increasing awareness of emotional responses, responding to the value preferences of others, and verbalizing to others the INTP's awareness of these values. At mid-life one of the tasks of the INTP is to develop an ability to play for play's sake; not to learn something or to somehow improve a skill. Working on the sensual side of his or her nature may provide a source of new pleasure and excitement.
Mates
Why would this abstractionist find the ESFJ "seller" attractive? Think broadly of selling. This amounts to persuading another to receive something of value to the receiver. The seller is essentially caring for the receiver (quite apart from the fact that the receiver pays). This is the essential attitude of the ESFJ seller, and this attitude is perceptible to the receiver (buyer); he feels this nourishing approach. That is what is attractive to the INTP architect-philosopher - the nourishment which anchors him to the real world.
What attracts the ESFJ "seller"? Here is a person who, like a balloon filled with hydrogen, is likely to escape the earth (in his abstract attitude). He needs to have a string attached so that he can be hauled down to earth now and then. In a sense, he needs to be "sold on reality," so indifferent is he to it.
The INTP also has a second likely target to attract him: the ENFJ "pedagogue." What is a pedagogue? A catalyst of the growth process, someone who has that uncanny ability to "bring out" the other, to activate the differentiation or "unfolding" process in the learner. All NFs seem to have this capability in some degree and the accompanying desire to exercise it, but the ENFJ seems to have it in abundance. This relationship - the ENFJ-INTP - can be "deep and meaningful" for the former and anchoring in a charismatic way for the latter.
Getting to know me, getting to know all about me
Click here and take the Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-Letter Type Indicator Test
Pere and I both thought the descriptions were spot on. Post yours if you want to share, on your blog or mine.
(I bolded areas that are especially obvious but it is all pretty much true.)
I am a INTJ - Introverted Intuition Aided by Thinking
INTJs are the most self-confident of all types, having "self-power" awareness. Found in about 1 percent of the general population, the INTJs live in an introspective reality, focusing on possibilities, using thinking in the form of empirical logic, and preferring that events and people serve some positive use. Decisions come naturally to INTJs' once a decision is made, INTJs are at rest. INTJs look to the future rather than the past, and a word which captures the essence of INTJs is builder - a builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models.
To INTJs authority based on position, rank, title, or publication has absolutely no force. This type is not likely to succumb to he magic of slogans, watchwords, or shibboleths. If an idea or position makes sense to an INTJ, it will be adopted, if it doesn't, it won't, regardless of who took the position or generated the idea. As with the INTP, authority per se does not impress the INTJ.
INTJs do, however, tend to conform to rules if they are useful, not because they believe in them, or because they make sense, but because of their unique view of reality. They are the supreme pragmatists, who see reality as something which is quite arbitrary and made up. Thus it can be used as a tool - or ignored. Reality is quite malleable and can be changed, conquered, or brought to heel. Reality is a crucible for the refining of ideas, and in this sense, INTJs are the most theoretical of all the types. Where an ESTP sees ideas as the pawn of reality, an INTJ sees reality as the pawn of ideas: No idea is too farfetched to be entertained. INTJs are natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them.
INTJs manipulate the world of theory as if on a gigantic chess board, always seeking strategies and tactics that have high payoff. In their penchant for logic, the INTJs resemble the INTPs. The logic of an INTJ, however, is not confined to the expressible logical. Unlike INTPs, INTJs need only to have a vague, intuitive impression of the unexpressed logic of a system to continue surely on their way. Things need only seem logical; this is entirely sufficient. Moreover, they always have a keen eye for the consequence of the application of new ideas or positions. They can be quite ruthless in the implementation of systems, seldom counting personal cost in terms of time and energy. Theories which cannot be made to work are quickly discarded by the INTJs.
To understand INTJs, their way of dealing with ideas should be observed closely. Their conscious thought is extraverted and empirical. Hence, they are better at generalizing, classifying, summarizing, adducing evidence, proving, and demonstrating than are the INTPs. The INTJs are somewhat less at home with pure reason, that is, systemic logic, where principles are explicit. In this respect they resemble the ENTJs. The INTJs, rather than using deductive logic, use their intuition to grasp coherence.
Career
INTJs can be very single-minded at times; this can be either a weakness or a strength in their careers, for they can ignore the points of view and wishes of others. INTJs usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are steady in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither time nor effort on their part or that of their colleagues and employees.
INTJs live to see systems translated into substance; an INTP, by way of contrast, is content to design the system. In both these types, however, coherence is the master. Both internal and external consistency are important, and if an INTJ finds that he or she is in a working situation where overlapping functions, duplication of effort, inefficient paper flow, and waste of human and material resources abound, the INTJ cannot rest until an effort is made to correct the situation. Cost-effectiveness is a concept which has a strong imperative for INTJs, who frequently select occupations in engineering, particularly human engineering. They also can be found in the physical sciences, in roles which require development, such as curriculum building, and, in general, any job which requires the creation and application of technology to complex areas.
Fellow workers of INTJs often feel as if the INTJ can see right through them, and often believe that the INTJ finds them wanting. This tendency of people to feel transparent in the presence of the INTJ often result in relationships which have psychological distance. Thus colleagues find the INTJ apparently unemotional and, at times, cold and dispassionate. Because of their tendency to drive others as hard as they do themselves, INTJs often seem demanding and difficult to satisfy. INTJs are high achievers in school and on the job. On the job, they take the goals of an institution seriously and continually strive to respond to these goals. They make dedicated, loyal employees whose loyalties are directed toward the system, rather than toward individuals within the system.
So as the people of an institution come and go, the INTJs have little difficulty - unlike the NFs, who have their loyalties involved more with persons than offices. INTJs tend, ordinarily, to verbalize the positive and eschew comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an institution forward than commiserating about mistakes of the past.
Home
As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. They are the most independent of all types. They will trust their intuitions about others when making choices of friends and mates, even in the face of contradictory evidence and pressures applied by others. The emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither male nor female INTJ is apt to express emotional reactions. At times, both will seem cold, reserved, and unresponsive, while in fact INTJs are almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from those for whom they care. In social situations, INTJs may also be unresponsive and may neglect to observe small rituals designed to put others at their ease. For example, INTJs may communicate that time is wasted if used for idle dialogue, and thus people receive a sense of hurry from an INTJ which is not always intended. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in recreational situations. They do not enjoy physical contact except with a chosen few.
As parents, INTJs are dedicated and single minded in their devotion: Their children are a major focus in life. They are supportive of their children and tend to allow them to develop in directions of their own choosing. INTJs usually are firm and consistent in their discipline and rarely care to repeat directions given to children or others. Being the most independent all the types, they have a strong need for autonomy; indifference or criticism from people in general does not particularly bother INTJs, if they believe that they are right. They also have a strong need for privacy.
The most important preference of an INTJ is intuition, but this is seldom seen. Rather, the function of thinking is used to deal with the world and with people. INTJs are vulnerable in the emotional area and may make serious mistakes here.
Midlife
At midlife the feeling side of personality should be given much attention by the INTJ, who can work at expanding his or her abilities to respond to wishes and feelings of others. They may also do well to turn more attention to the sensory side of their natures, attempting to get in touch with the joys of good food, good beverages, social rituals, kinesthetic experiences, and play. The "wasting" of time in play is an appropriate target as a midlife task for INTJs who can take lessons from an SP, especially an ESP, in the art of enjoying the pleasures of life.
Mates
Wishing to control nature, the INTJ "scientist" probably has more difficulty than all other types in making up his or her mind in mate selection. Even mate selection must be done in a scientific way. It may well be that the narratives, plays, and films impugning the "rational and objective" approach to mating have as their target our thorough-going scientist INTJ. Nevertheless, when young, the INTJ is attracted to the free-wheeling, spontaneous, fun-loving "entertainer" ESFP. But the INTJ requires that mating meet certain criteria, else it is not undertaken. So the INTJ doesn't often go through with what is begun by natural attraction. Since he or she proceeds in a rational and methodical way, the selection of a similar temperament is more likely than selection of opposite, following the assumption that those who are similar ought to do well together. The INTJ "scientist" is also attracted to the ENFP "journalist," probably because of the enthusiastic, effervescent, and apparently spontaneous enjoyment and wonderment this type exudes - the very antitheses of the careful, thoughtful exactitude of the INTJ.
Pere and I both thought the descriptions were spot on. Post yours if you want to share, on your blog or mine.
(I bolded areas that are especially obvious but it is all pretty much true.)
I am a INTJ - Introverted Intuition Aided by Thinking
INTJs are the most self-confident of all types, having "self-power" awareness. Found in about 1 percent of the general population, the INTJs live in an introspective reality, focusing on possibilities, using thinking in the form of empirical logic, and preferring that events and people serve some positive use. Decisions come naturally to INTJs' once a decision is made, INTJs are at rest. INTJs look to the future rather than the past, and a word which captures the essence of INTJs is builder - a builder of systems and the applier of theoretical models.
To INTJs authority based on position, rank, title, or publication has absolutely no force. This type is not likely to succumb to he magic of slogans, watchwords, or shibboleths. If an idea or position makes sense to an INTJ, it will be adopted, if it doesn't, it won't, regardless of who took the position or generated the idea. As with the INTP, authority per se does not impress the INTJ.
INTJs do, however, tend to conform to rules if they are useful, not because they believe in them, or because they make sense, but because of their unique view of reality. They are the supreme pragmatists, who see reality as something which is quite arbitrary and made up. Thus it can be used as a tool - or ignored. Reality is quite malleable and can be changed, conquered, or brought to heel. Reality is a crucible for the refining of ideas, and in this sense, INTJs are the most theoretical of all the types. Where an ESTP sees ideas as the pawn of reality, an INTJ sees reality as the pawn of ideas: No idea is too farfetched to be entertained. INTJs are natural brainstormers, always open to new concepts and, in fact, aggressively seeking them.
INTJs manipulate the world of theory as if on a gigantic chess board, always seeking strategies and tactics that have high payoff. In their penchant for logic, the INTJs resemble the INTPs. The logic of an INTJ, however, is not confined to the expressible logical. Unlike INTPs, INTJs need only to have a vague, intuitive impression of the unexpressed logic of a system to continue surely on their way. Things need only seem logical; this is entirely sufficient. Moreover, they always have a keen eye for the consequence of the application of new ideas or positions. They can be quite ruthless in the implementation of systems, seldom counting personal cost in terms of time and energy. Theories which cannot be made to work are quickly discarded by the INTJs.
To understand INTJs, their way of dealing with ideas should be observed closely. Their conscious thought is extraverted and empirical. Hence, they are better at generalizing, classifying, summarizing, adducing evidence, proving, and demonstrating than are the INTPs. The INTJs are somewhat less at home with pure reason, that is, systemic logic, where principles are explicit. In this respect they resemble the ENTJs. The INTJs, rather than using deductive logic, use their intuition to grasp coherence.
Career
INTJs can be very single-minded at times; this can be either a weakness or a strength in their careers, for they can ignore the points of view and wishes of others. INTJs usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are steady in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither time nor effort on their part or that of their colleagues and employees.
INTJs live to see systems translated into substance; an INTP, by way of contrast, is content to design the system. In both these types, however, coherence is the master. Both internal and external consistency are important, and if an INTJ finds that he or she is in a working situation where overlapping functions, duplication of effort, inefficient paper flow, and waste of human and material resources abound, the INTJ cannot rest until an effort is made to correct the situation. Cost-effectiveness is a concept which has a strong imperative for INTJs, who frequently select occupations in engineering, particularly human engineering. They also can be found in the physical sciences, in roles which require development, such as curriculum building, and, in general, any job which requires the creation and application of technology to complex areas.
Fellow workers of INTJs often feel as if the INTJ can see right through them, and often believe that the INTJ finds them wanting. This tendency of people to feel transparent in the presence of the INTJ often result in relationships which have psychological distance. Thus colleagues find the INTJ apparently unemotional and, at times, cold and dispassionate. Because of their tendency to drive others as hard as they do themselves, INTJs often seem demanding and difficult to satisfy. INTJs are high achievers in school and on the job. On the job, they take the goals of an institution seriously and continually strive to respond to these goals. They make dedicated, loyal employees whose loyalties are directed toward the system, rather than toward individuals within the system.
So as the people of an institution come and go, the INTJs have little difficulty - unlike the NFs, who have their loyalties involved more with persons than offices. INTJs tend, ordinarily, to verbalize the positive and eschew comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an institution forward than commiserating about mistakes of the past.
Home
As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. They are the most independent of all types. They will trust their intuitions about others when making choices of friends and mates, even in the face of contradictory evidence and pressures applied by others. The emotions of an INTJ are hard to read, and neither male nor female INTJ is apt to express emotional reactions. At times, both will seem cold, reserved, and unresponsive, while in fact INTJs are almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection from those for whom they care. In social situations, INTJs may also be unresponsive and may neglect to observe small rituals designed to put others at their ease. For example, INTJs may communicate that time is wasted if used for idle dialogue, and thus people receive a sense of hurry from an INTJ which is not always intended. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in recreational situations. They do not enjoy physical contact except with a chosen few.
As parents, INTJs are dedicated and single minded in their devotion: Their children are a major focus in life. They are supportive of their children and tend to allow them to develop in directions of their own choosing. INTJs usually are firm and consistent in their discipline and rarely care to repeat directions given to children or others. Being the most independent all the types, they have a strong need for autonomy; indifference or criticism from people in general does not particularly bother INTJs, if they believe that they are right. They also have a strong need for privacy.
The most important preference of an INTJ is intuition, but this is seldom seen. Rather, the function of thinking is used to deal with the world and with people. INTJs are vulnerable in the emotional area and may make serious mistakes here.
Midlife
At midlife the feeling side of personality should be given much attention by the INTJ, who can work at expanding his or her abilities to respond to wishes and feelings of others. They may also do well to turn more attention to the sensory side of their natures, attempting to get in touch with the joys of good food, good beverages, social rituals, kinesthetic experiences, and play. The "wasting" of time in play is an appropriate target as a midlife task for INTJs who can take lessons from an SP, especially an ESP, in the art of enjoying the pleasures of life.
Mates
Wishing to control nature, the INTJ "scientist" probably has more difficulty than all other types in making up his or her mind in mate selection. Even mate selection must be done in a scientific way. It may well be that the narratives, plays, and films impugning the "rational and objective" approach to mating have as their target our thorough-going scientist INTJ. Nevertheless, when young, the INTJ is attracted to the free-wheeling, spontaneous, fun-loving "entertainer" ESFP. But the INTJ requires that mating meet certain criteria, else it is not undertaken. So the INTJ doesn't often go through with what is begun by natural attraction. Since he or she proceeds in a rational and methodical way, the selection of a similar temperament is more likely than selection of opposite, following the assumption that those who are similar ought to do well together. The INTJ "scientist" is also attracted to the ENFP "journalist," probably because of the enthusiastic, effervescent, and apparently spontaneous enjoyment and wonderment this type exudes - the very antitheses of the careful, thoughtful exactitude of the INTJ.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Homeschooling Monday
Math - Started the review for the end of the book.
Poetry - Situations when you would choose to use Trochee over Dactyl. What sounds in nature sound like iambic, trochee, dactyl or anapest
Japanese - More katakana
Social Studies - How an influx of gold from the Americas disrupted and damaged the Spanish economy in the 1500's and the Spanish Inquisition.
Science - Swine Flu, mutations, outbreaks, epidemics and pandemics.
Reading - Swallowdale by Arthur Ransome part of the Swallows and Amazons series
PIano lesson - Her teacher wanted to talk with Zoe and me about upcoming competitions, music festivals, recitals, etc. There are two big competitions, The Stickley and Hoosier Auditions.
She decided to move Zoe up two levels. Honestly I don't really understand what the levels mean, I think it might have something to do with the Achievement in Music tests.
So she has a 4 page Bach piece and a longish Beethoven piece for piano and Bel Piacere by Handel for voice.
*****************
So, all this means that Zoe will be getting more busy. At least 3 competitions the next school year, the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam in Chicago, several choir recitals, moving onto 6th and 7th grade in Math, Science and Language Arts, starting Hebrew School, plus whatever else she wants to get herself into.
But, it seems like it is still less than her school friends do. They all go to school until 3:30 and then come home and do homework and then practice for soccer or band. The friend Zoe has over today has soccer practice 3 afternoons and then games all day on Saturday . The neighbor girl, she's 12, has homework and practice for band (she is really good, went to the state competitions this year) until bedtime.
Not that it makes it okay for Zoe to be busy. I don't know. When I was growing up I was a latch key kid. I came home after school and read books or watched T.V. alone in the house until my mom came home. If it was early enough I rode my bike around the neighborhood, hoping to meet up with some friends, until dinner. Then I watched more TV until my mom sent me to bed. My mother wasn't about to drive me around to extra-curricular activities or pick me up at school late. I had to make sure I was on the bus home.
So yeah, other than musical theatre classes on Saturdays (That lasted all day, so it was worth it for my mom to take me) my childhood was lazy and unproductive. And maybe that is how childhood should be. Or maybe idle hands are the Devil's Play things. I wandered around dangerous woods, I rode my bike really far away, I read A LOT, a watched a lot of bad television and basically frittered away my childhood and then my teenaged years.
I was not involved in girl scouts, a Church youth group, ballet, gymnastics, soccer, etc. I tried a lot of things briefly,(guitar, modeling, karate) at the weird schools I went to. But, when I got older I was mostly a juvenile delinquent, with too much time on my hands.
Zoe... well I am trying really hard with Zoe. I've always wanted her to have plenty of free play time. That went south fairly quickly when she demanded instruction in foreign languages and a math workbook when she was two (No lie, no exaggeration.) Until last year I tried to keep homeschooling down to four days a week and done by lunch.
That more than reasonable and left her plenty of Free Time.
But then there were all the classes... Zoe tried karate, ballet/jazz, acting, musical theatre, Shakespeare, astronaut training, voice, piano, Japanese, gymnastics and religious school. She loved them all and cried when I made her choose a few to stick with. When we lived in Los Angeles she decided on Shakespeare, gymnastics, voice, piano and musical theatre with various short term classes thrown in here and there (yeah, that is one of the beauties of homeschooling.)
Now she has a weekly 45 min piano/voice lesson that is soon to go up to an hour, a weekly hour long Japanese lesson, Sunday School, and various Saturday acting endeavors that only come up a few times a year. Plus homeschooling that is now 6 hours a day (but still only four days a week)
So... is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does she have enough time to play? It seems like it. But it doesn't seem like she has enough time to complain that she is bored. We have board games, and a Wii, and coloring books, and Littlest Pet Shops, and bikes to ride, and anime to watch and many books to read. When school is over, around 2:00 p.m., she has plenty of things to do.
I don't know. I don't think she is doing TOO much. But, as always, I want to be careful and make sure she is happy and thriving and experiencing childhood.. hopefully a better childhood than I had.
Poetry - Situations when you would choose to use Trochee over Dactyl. What sounds in nature sound like iambic, trochee, dactyl or anapest
Japanese - More katakana
Social Studies - How an influx of gold from the Americas disrupted and damaged the Spanish economy in the 1500's and the Spanish Inquisition.
Science - Swine Flu, mutations, outbreaks, epidemics and pandemics.
Reading - Swallowdale by Arthur Ransome part of the Swallows and Amazons series
PIano lesson - Her teacher wanted to talk with Zoe and me about upcoming competitions, music festivals, recitals, etc. There are two big competitions, The Stickley and Hoosier Auditions.
She decided to move Zoe up two levels. Honestly I don't really understand what the levels mean, I think it might have something to do with the Achievement in Music tests.
So she has a 4 page Bach piece and a longish Beethoven piece for piano and Bel Piacere by Handel for voice.
*****************
So, all this means that Zoe will be getting more busy. At least 3 competitions the next school year, the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam in Chicago, several choir recitals, moving onto 6th and 7th grade in Math, Science and Language Arts, starting Hebrew School, plus whatever else she wants to get herself into.
But, it seems like it is still less than her school friends do. They all go to school until 3:30 and then come home and do homework and then practice for soccer or band. The friend Zoe has over today has soccer practice 3 afternoons and then games all day on Saturday . The neighbor girl, she's 12, has homework and practice for band (she is really good, went to the state competitions this year) until bedtime.
Not that it makes it okay for Zoe to be busy. I don't know. When I was growing up I was a latch key kid. I came home after school and read books or watched T.V. alone in the house until my mom came home. If it was early enough I rode my bike around the neighborhood, hoping to meet up with some friends, until dinner. Then I watched more TV until my mom sent me to bed. My mother wasn't about to drive me around to extra-curricular activities or pick me up at school late. I had to make sure I was on the bus home.
So yeah, other than musical theatre classes on Saturdays (That lasted all day, so it was worth it for my mom to take me) my childhood was lazy and unproductive. And maybe that is how childhood should be. Or maybe idle hands are the Devil's Play things. I wandered around dangerous woods, I rode my bike really far away, I read A LOT, a watched a lot of bad television and basically frittered away my childhood and then my teenaged years.
I was not involved in girl scouts, a Church youth group, ballet, gymnastics, soccer, etc. I tried a lot of things briefly,(guitar, modeling, karate) at the weird schools I went to. But, when I got older I was mostly a juvenile delinquent, with too much time on my hands.
Zoe... well I am trying really hard with Zoe. I've always wanted her to have plenty of free play time. That went south fairly quickly when she demanded instruction in foreign languages and a math workbook when she was two (No lie, no exaggeration.) Until last year I tried to keep homeschooling down to four days a week and done by lunch.
That more than reasonable and left her plenty of Free Time.
But then there were all the classes... Zoe tried karate, ballet/jazz, acting, musical theatre, Shakespeare, astronaut training, voice, piano, Japanese, gymnastics and religious school. She loved them all and cried when I made her choose a few to stick with. When we lived in Los Angeles she decided on Shakespeare, gymnastics, voice, piano and musical theatre with various short term classes thrown in here and there (yeah, that is one of the beauties of homeschooling.)
Now she has a weekly 45 min piano/voice lesson that is soon to go up to an hour, a weekly hour long Japanese lesson, Sunday School, and various Saturday acting endeavors that only come up a few times a year. Plus homeschooling that is now 6 hours a day (but still only four days a week)
So... is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does she have enough time to play? It seems like it. But it doesn't seem like she has enough time to complain that she is bored. We have board games, and a Wii, and coloring books, and Littlest Pet Shops, and bikes to ride, and anime to watch and many books to read. When school is over, around 2:00 p.m., she has plenty of things to do.
I don't know. I don't think she is doing TOO much. But, as always, I want to be careful and make sure she is happy and thriving and experiencing childhood.. hopefully a better childhood than I had.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Nightmares
I've suffered from very vivid and disturbing nightmares for as long as I can remember.
I rarely have good dreams. I don't dream of flying. (Though once I had a dream I could levitate.) My nightmares are not the I forgot to wear pants to school and oh! there is a big test that I didn't know I was supposed to study for variety. They are more like being chased by Michael Myers, my eyes burning out in a nuclear blast, running from flesh eating zombies, finding myself trapped in a room by giant hairy spiders, suffering Dantesque tortures of hell, legless mutants reaching for me with long arms from under the bed... *shudder*
Okay, we can stop talking about that now...
I think part of my problem is my issue with low blood sugar. When I am awake I should eat every 3 or 4 hours. If I don't I end up feeling like this: anxiety, moodiness, negativism, irritability, belligerence, fatigue, shakiness (from the wikipedia page on Hypoglycemia) It is not like it happens all at once and if I don't eat some cheesy crackers every four hours I become all demonic. I have gotten pretty good at managing it. But, I don't get up in the middle of the night and eat. And I think that might be part of why I have nightmares 5 out of 7 nights of the week. (I have some kind of bad dream pretty much every night but I am kind of used to it.)
Also Patrick McNamara, a neurocognitive scientist, who has been studying nightmares for the last ten years has this to say:
In about 2 percent of the adult population, nightmares occur frequently.
In adults, recurrent nightmares occur in people with so-called thin boundaries, who are especially sensitive to sensory impressions.
Check.
Creative people, like artists, writers, musicians, and so forth, also report more nightmares.
Check.
A different form of nightmare, heavily influenced by memory, occurs frequently in people who have experienced trauma.
Check.
It is amazing to me that only 25% of the populace has at least one nightmare a month and that 7 - 8% have nightmares once a week.
I used to suffer frequently from Sleep Paralysis:
Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false"
In addition, the paralysis state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger.[10] Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations.[11] The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.
My sleep paralysis was worst when I had an irregular sleeping schedule - like all through high school and then when I used to work nights.
Sleep paralysis... man, it's all kinds of horrible. I don't have it so much anymore, just a few times a year. But it used to be a few times a week.
I've had a lot of other weird sleep issues happen here and there, sleep walking and sleep talking only a few times, narcolepsy when I was working the night shift, lucid dreaming, sleep terrors, insomnia.. but I don't snore. :) I also remember my dreams/nightmares very well.
But you know me, I'm the lemonade from lemon's type of gal. The novel that I am currently working on, the novel that's been swirling around in my brain for 6+ years, the subject is dreams and nightmares. I'm including lots of yummy world folklore and superstitions about all this stuff, you know, the explanations that people gave themselves before we had all this nifty science.
I rarely have good dreams. I don't dream of flying. (Though once I had a dream I could levitate.) My nightmares are not the I forgot to wear pants to school and oh! there is a big test that I didn't know I was supposed to study for variety. They are more like being chased by Michael Myers, my eyes burning out in a nuclear blast, running from flesh eating zombies, finding myself trapped in a room by giant hairy spiders, suffering Dantesque tortures of hell, legless mutants reaching for me with long arms from under the bed... *shudder*
Okay, we can stop talking about that now...
I think part of my problem is my issue with low blood sugar. When I am awake I should eat every 3 or 4 hours. If I don't I end up feeling like this: anxiety, moodiness, negativism, irritability, belligerence, fatigue, shakiness (from the wikipedia page on Hypoglycemia) It is not like it happens all at once and if I don't eat some cheesy crackers every four hours I become all demonic. I have gotten pretty good at managing it. But, I don't get up in the middle of the night and eat. And I think that might be part of why I have nightmares 5 out of 7 nights of the week. (I have some kind of bad dream pretty much every night but I am kind of used to it.)
Also Patrick McNamara, a neurocognitive scientist, who has been studying nightmares for the last ten years has this to say:
In about 2 percent of the adult population, nightmares occur frequently.
In adults, recurrent nightmares occur in people with so-called thin boundaries, who are especially sensitive to sensory impressions.
Check.
Creative people, like artists, writers, musicians, and so forth, also report more nightmares.
Check.
A different form of nightmare, heavily influenced by memory, occurs frequently in people who have experienced trauma.
Check.
It is amazing to me that only 25% of the populace has at least one nightmare a month and that 7 - 8% have nightmares once a week.
I used to suffer frequently from Sleep Paralysis:
Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false"
In addition, the paralysis state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger.[10] Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations.[11] The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.
My sleep paralysis was worst when I had an irregular sleeping schedule - like all through high school and then when I used to work nights.
Sleep paralysis... man, it's all kinds of horrible. I don't have it so much anymore, just a few times a year. But it used to be a few times a week.
I've had a lot of other weird sleep issues happen here and there, sleep walking and sleep talking only a few times, narcolepsy when I was working the night shift, lucid dreaming, sleep terrors, insomnia.. but I don't snore. :) I also remember my dreams/nightmares very well.
But you know me, I'm the lemonade from lemon's type of gal. The novel that I am currently working on, the novel that's been swirling around in my brain for 6+ years, the subject is dreams and nightmares. I'm including lots of yummy world folklore and superstitions about all this stuff, you know, the explanations that people gave themselves before we had all this nifty science.
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